Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

My first flat was so close to Heathrow airport, that every time I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, a stewardess told me to get back to my seat.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

People applauded when they witnessed a dwarf abseiling down a prison wall.

 

I saw it as a little condescending.

[Cannonfodder]

Why did REM split up? 

The rest of the band weren't Michael's type

[Shamal]

Im feeling a bit poorly. Worried I could have Wheels disease.
I heard the people on the bus saying it’s going round and round☹️

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I see that Germany is sending tanks to Ukraine.  

 

Apparently they'll be going via Poland for old times sake.

[Shamal]

My friend has just bought an old Boeing 747, he plans on turning it into a themed restaurant.
I doubt it'll take off....

[Shamal]

On Monday I will be taking an exam on the Study of Flying Insects…

I've been up all night swatting!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

 

He hasn't written any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

[Smiling-Dutchman]

What do you call a woman who is a bell?

Isabelle.

[Shamal]

19 hours ago, Smiling-Dutchman said:

What do you call a woman who is a bell?

Isabelle.

I like that one....it's got a nice ring to it.

[Cannonfodder]

17 hours ago, Shamal said:

I like that one....it's got a nice ring to it.

Said the bishop during choir practice 

[Shamal]

I was sceptical that doctors could improve my posture but I stand corrected

[Smiling-Dutchman]

Got fired from my job making kitchens.

Apparently I was counter productive...

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My mate draws sketches of escaped prisoners for the police. 

 

He's a con artist.   

[rj1986]

Why does Elton John always play piano?

 

Because he sucks on an organ

[Leo Greer]

Those who get too big for their britches will all be exposed in the end.

[Shamal]

My son won a 10m swimming badge
yesterday...

We had to hire a flat bed truck to get it home!

[Skullchewer]

I used to know a joke about Midas and Oedipus meeting up but I forgot it. 

Shame.

It was mother fucking gold. 

[Smiling-Dutchman]

A mobius strip walks into a bar, looking a bit down.

The barman sees this and asks: "hey man, what's up?"

The mobius strip replies: "where do I begin?"

[Shamal]

s  . . .
o _ _ _
r  . _ .
r  . _ .
y  _ . _ _

Remorse code

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've been meditating in the garden.

 

I'm no fortune teller but my fuchsia looks bright.

[Cannonfodder]

8 spiderman films and not once did anybody think to just put a giant glass over him

[Shamal]

Vegans need to be kinder to others for their eating habits.
The last thing we need is another Spinach Inquisition 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife told me that the cat needed to be chipped.

 

I only had a nine iron, but I still got it over the shed.

[Shamal]

You're gonna have to work with me on this one.

 

Our local village hall is running a session of yodelling lessons. If you are interested in attending, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

Edited May 24, 2023 by Shamal
Spelin