Shamal

I was queueing at the bus stop this morning and mentioned to a young girl, 'Chilly isn't it?" She replied 'Winter draws on' To which I said 'That is absolutely none of your business you cheeky girl!” Youth today, tsk

They say that 50 is the new 30, but one traffic officer begged to differ and I ended up with 3 points on my driving licence ☹️ Well I think it's funny.

The organs of the human body were debating as to who should be the boss. The brain said that as he did all the thinking and controlled every part of the body, he should be the boss. The heart said that as the body could not live without the blood circulation he provided, he should be the boss. The stomach said that he digested all the food and gave the body energy, so he should be the boss. All other organs made their cases similarly. Then the asshole applied for the post. The other organs laughed so loudly that the ass hole got angry and shut himself. Within a couple of days the stomach got sick, the brain went fuzzy, the heart developed palpitations and every other organ began shutting down. The organs learned their lesson. They all got together and elected the ass hole as boss. Moral of the story: You don’t need to be the brain or the brawn to be the boss, you only need to be an ass hole.

🤦

I was climbing in the Himalayas a while back and was accosted by a Yeti, it forced me to do a thousand sit ups and a thousand stomach crunches. When I got back to base and told the Sherpa, he said “Ah yes, that’ll be the abdominal snowman

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.

Yeah and don't you forget it!! Grrrrrr!! 😉

I've decided to go on two diets. Let's face it there just isn't enough food in one....

My butcher’s so tall, no one can reach the meat on his shelves. The steaks have never been higher.

Hi bud. Try posting this in the classifieds in the for sale section 👍

If you put a musician on a stage you will hear the sound echoing all around you. However, put a pigeon on a stage and you will hear nothing. The reason is a coo sticks!

Anyone can take a tumble at any time at any site. I know I have lol. Took a 'tumble' at work last Wednesday week. Well I say tumble. I was helped by a thirteen foot plank which hit me in side of head. Sparked me out.result fractured jaw, heamatoma and massive infection due to biting a hole in my cheek. Took the rest of the day off though so not all bad 🤣

Talking about car doors. My friend told me he has bought a car with no doors. How the fuck is he going to get in I thought!🤔

A man was help in police custody yesterday for eating fireworks in public. Eventually they let him off. Another man, held for drinking battery acid, was charged.

I was at a climbing centre yesterday, but someone had removed all of the toe-hold grips from the wall. Honestly, you couldn't make it up.

Almost as iffy as ,'I bought it from a bloke in the pub' 🙂

I was walking behind a lady last night.She began walking faster and faster so I did, she started running so I did she started screaming so I did. I don't know what we were running from but I was terrified.

Yes there is a nasty bug going around. I opened the front door yesterday and was punched in face by a six foot cockroach! 😉 Get well soon though Regards

?? Speak up. Can't hear you at the back 😉

The old ones are the best 😂 She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!" Everyone in the pub stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations." To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean £200 for a blow job!

My tumble dryer door keeps popping open on its own.I'm getting fed up with it. If it does it again I'm throwing the towel in!

I rescued a kitten this morning while a man dressed head to toe in pancakes stood by and did nothing. Not all heroes wear crepes.

So happy, my oldest pig wasn’t in good health but a bloke at the farmers market said if I come back in 28 days he’ll be cured.🙂🐷