Tactical Pith Helmet

My wife wants a 'spa-day' for Xmas. I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when she unwraps it next week.

I got the same response. Given the week she's just had, I predict a possible change of heart though...

Named my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse this year. Well, it's going to die and leave needles all over the place...

These work well with a bit of practice. Or make your own as Enid describes. https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/132131973156 The best bags are made by a chap called Denn who sells at Gunman occasionally. You can find him on Farcebook as Denn Sews Surplus.

'We found him sacrificed on an alter made of antlers Sir.' 'Dear God! Sergeant.' 'That's our guess too Sir...'

Just fell off a ladder getting some of my Hitchcock collection down. Managed to grab a DVD though. Think I got Vertigo.

What do you call a hippo with one leg? A hoppo...

Send the fuckers to Rwanda...

I always have an anchor magnet on 100' of rope in my van. It has saved hours of time and swearing over the years. Dragged across the lad's bedroom floor it found the Glock 18 selector spring in minutes. He'd spent hours looking for the thing before confessing that he'd forgotten to open it up inside a see through plastic bag. Here's similar, think mine may be a bit stronger. Take your watch off when using mind! https://www.amazon.co.uk/Neodymium-Fishing-Combination-Suitable-Hoisting/dp/B0C69B51YG/ref=asc_df_B0C69B51YG/

I've seen Ventile stuff before. Never imagined that it would be breathable enough for airsoft. Cheers Jim! If anyone is wondering if expensive wet weather gear is worth it, my Barbour leggings were bought in about 1998 and are still 100% OK even after a few years of daily dispatch riding through the winter.

UK army boots in 9S. They rarely come up, so I always hope that someone has found a pair for me. Mrs TPH has some new facepro and hard knuckle gloves. Lad has new 90s desert loadout from tshirt to load carrying kit.

Which smock please please? I've never found one that didn't cause you to sweat like your wearing a bin bag!

The CEO of ACME ladders is retiring. He's stepping down next month.

My wife asked me to clear the dining table tonight. I managed it but I needed a damn good run up.

UKARA is hardly difficult to register with. Play a few hire games, see if you like the hobby properly and then apply yourself. If you are using the rifs legitimately, UKARA is no problem at all.

First thing any cat does upon waking is stretch liked hell! Don't forget to stretch down either, it eases anything that you may have pulled without noticing. Since muscle supports/surrounds joints, staying fit helps a great deal. Of course my preferred ways of getting fit are what led to the injuries in the first place; probably the same for most of us? If I hadn't a love for martial arts and bikes, I'd be less injured, but I wouldn't be fit for my age either. Written sitting supported by cushions whilst elevating leg/foot due to sciatica, planter fasciitis, arthritis, tarsal tunnel and (re)torn rib cartilage. Enjoying a very effective muscle relaxant isotonic sport scotch called Bell's.

Sad news. From Shane MacGowen to Shane MacGone...

My Uncle David has moved to Moss Side. It's not as rough or deprived as people say apparently. He quickly found a job. He's rear gunner on the number six bus.

Defo something you're not quite putting your finger on....

I got caught selling drugs at work. The boss said, "I'll deal with you in my office." Sold him an ounce.

My first job was as a mannequin in a shop window. I held the position for quite some time.

I have a couple of CYMA shotties. They are great fun for CQB, but the only rif I ever get hacked off using in game. I have an aep that I have fitted with a Li-po. Again great fun CQB, but as said above, a MK23 clone is superior. My first CYMA 028 AK is still going strong despite many drops, lends and soakings. You have some really solid advice!

My wife is fed up of my wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "What can I do to stop?" "Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said.