Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've looked everywhere trying to buy an England flag for the European Championship final but I couldn't find one.

 

In the end, I bought a French one and drew a red cross on it.

[Shamal]

England have had to turn down a £150 million sponsorship deal with a major dog food manufacturer.

 

An England spokesman said "having Winalot on our kit was taking the piss"

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Went to a Trump rally this weekend.

 

All I got was this bloody T-shirt...

[Shamal]

A bit of advice....

Never read a pop up book about giraffes!

[Tackle]

1 hour ago, Shamal said:

A bit of advice....

Never read a pop up book about giraffes!

 

[Shamal]

I saw a police alsatian wearing a grey jumper.

It was a plain clothes police dog

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Doc: “Hi – I am sorry but I have bad news, and I have very bad news. Which one do you want first?”

Patient: “ok, give me the very bad news first”

Doc “We have received the latest test results and you have been diagnosed with Ligma. You only have 1 day to live”

Patient: “Just 1 day?! … what’s the bad news then?”

Doc: “I tried to call you yesterday, but you didn’t pick up your phone”

[Shamal]

 

I took my wife to be tested for Tourette’s Syndrome, but the test came back negative. Turns out I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

[Cannonfodder]

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The kids gerbil went missing last night.  I spent six hours looking for it!

 

It's definitely not in the pub.

[Shamal]

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

So it could get to the other side.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Uncle Bob reckons that he's a bit of an athlete.

 

He once came first in a threesome....

[Shamal]

My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm still looking for a cure for my sex addiction.

 

I've tried fucking everything.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What's got 2 legs & bleeds?

 

Half a cat.

[Shamal]

About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.

[Shamal]

Just attended a sheep dog trial in the Lake District
2 were acquitted and 4 were found guilty!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've bought a Microsoft strobe light.

 

 

It doesn't work properly unless you switch it off and on again.

[Shamal]

A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road.

The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.

"We need to take it to a vet. It's shivering, it must be cold, what should I do?" she asks.

Husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

"But it stinks!" she exclaims.

"So hold its nose!"

[DaktariT]

What does a Ginger miss at a great party?

 

The invite 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

It's going to be foggy tonight

It's going to be foggy tonight

It's going to be foggy tonight

It's going to be foggy tonight

 

You have..... 4 mist messages.

[Shamal]

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY

SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Caught one of the roofers wanking on the job today.

 

He thought I'd sack him but I told him to start again and wipe the slate clean.  

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The school's counsellor called me and told me my son would not stop mooning all of his classmates.

 

I told her that, 'I think he's just going through a phase...'

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Kia have released a new car called the Kia Starmer. 

 

It does the fastest U turns in history.