Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[DaktariT]

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me! I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

[DaktariT]

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What's got eight wheels and flies?

 

 

A bin lorry.

[Shamal]

So God was just about done with creating Adam and Eve.

He called them over and said 'listen up you two,I've got a couple of design features left over. I've got the ability to pee standing up and'... Adam jumped in shouting ' Me,me. I want that,I want it'.  

God says ' ok Adam it's yours'. 'So Eve, that leaves you with the multiple orgasm feature '

 

 

 

 

 

[DaktariT]

I was down the gym earlier and saw an idiot put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've given up my deer racing business. 

 

People kept saying that I was only in it to make a fast buck.

 

 

[Shamal]

I ran twice today...

First I ran out of beer and then I ran out of fags.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I found a dead frog in my pond today.

 

He had Kermitted suicide.

[Cannonfodder]

What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?

[Shamal]

4 hours ago, Cannonfodder said:

What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?

Nope. I give up ?

[Shamal]

I went to the chemist yesterday and asked the lovely assistant if she would kindly show me where the talcum power was. 

"Certainly sir,walk this way" 

I thought, if I could walk that way,I wouldn't need the bloody talcum powder!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My neighbour said that my dog was chasing people on motorcycles.

 

'Bloody rubbish,' I said, 'he doesn't even have one motorcycle!'

[Shamal]

Forgot what I was gonna say.

You know I've got a memory like thing that's used to get lump out of flour.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've invented an Al Qaida sex doll.

 

You take it out of the box and it blows itself up!  

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

There's 2 typos of peoples in this world those who always noticing spelling & grammatical errands, & them who doesn't.

[DaktariT]

Why do scuba divers always fall backwards into the water?

 

If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.

[Shamal]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's an extraordinary watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

 

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

[Shamal]

I want to start growing my own food but I can't find bacon seeds anywhere.

[gavinkempsell]

12 hours ago, Shamal said:

I want to start growing my own food but I can't find bacon seeds anywhere.

I got you...

[Shamal]

Two lions walking down Oxford Street in London. One says to the other "Quiet for a Saturday, isn't it?"

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

To all those people who said I'd never accomplish anything because I procrastinate too much...

 

...just you wait and see.

[Shamal]

I came so close to winning the lottery jackpot on Saturday.
My next door neighbour won it.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife asked me to rock our baby to sleep.

 

All I've managed to determine so far is that he's not a big Motorhead fan.

[Shamal]

I saw there was a large front page article on Dracula in the Daily Express today, but he did not appear in the Mirror or the Sun.

[DaktariT]

How do non binary people kill someone?

 

They/Them