Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Doctor 'You don't look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?'

 

Me: 'I drink it'.

[rj1986]

I had a really bad day, today.

I dropped my friend's baby in front of everyone.

 

in my defense, I did say i was too short to be a pallbearer.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've got a new job as a guillotine operator.

 

I'll beheading there shortly.

[Shamal]

I’ve learnt to play the piano by ear, but then I discovered that it’s so much easier using my hands.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was going to patent a method for reusing tea bags.

 

But... Tetley have taken out a restraining order against me.

[Shamal]

6 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

I was going to patent a method for reusing tea bags.

 

But... Tetley have taken out a restraining order against me.

Bitch! That was in my pile ?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Spinach and anal sex.

 

If you were forced to have it as a child,  you'll hate it as an adult...

[Cannonfodder]

7 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Spinach and anal sex.

That's quite a specific kink and a perfect example of rule 34

Edited April 1, 2023 by Cannonfodder
Bloody auto correct

[Shamal]

I just spent £20- on a belt that doesn't fit.

 

 

What a huge waist!

[Cannonfodder]

So I posted that I work with a bunch of massive cunts and Facebook got the wrong idea

[Shamal]

A man walks into a chemist and asks “Have you got something for severe laryngitis?” The chemist looks at him and says “Good morning sir. Can I help you?"

[Cannonfodder]

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

 

Because calling him Master Vader made all the stormtroopers giggle

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've never taken an ugly woman to bed.  

 

I've woken up with a few mind....

[Shamal]

A bloke at work asked me if I knew anywhere he could get a second hand toupee
I said “Not off the top of my head"

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Police are on the hunt for a vandal spraying things purple.

 

They've warned the public not to approach, as he has violet tendencies.

Edited April 5, 2023 by Tactical Pith Helmet

[Shamal]

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do..."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?"(with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do.."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --silence--

HUSBAND: "Shit.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

As a child I had to walk the plank. 

 

We couldn't afford a dog.  

[Cannonfodder]

A man was admitted to hospital last night with 25 plastic toy horses in his bum. Doctors described his condition as stable 

[Shamal]

A few short days ago I received a friend request on FB from a young attractive lass about 29 years old... I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my fb friend. So I accepted it. Then she started sending me private messages. She was very kind. She called me handsome. She asked my age. I'm not a liar so I told her and reminded her I'm quite a bit her senior. And I let her talk a bit cause (truth be told) flattery ain't all that bad. We keep talking for a while and within a short time, she asked if we could talk about 'adult things'. I said ok. Then she replied with a face like ?. She said 'thank you babe, you start." So I did! I told her adult things like my knees and hips were hurting. My back acts up when it is cold outside. I explained that I have crazy insomnia, I toss and turn the entire night and that I often have leg cramps, especially when I try to sleep. I mentioned the scars from multiple surgeries and the limp I have from an old injury. And of course I had to throw in the need for daily fiber supplements to prevent passing gas. Can't forget that one! I was waiting for her to answer me...She blocked me. She wanted to talk about adult things and then couldn't take the heat! I think I'm just a bit too much man for her to handle! ?

[Tackle]

8 minutes ago, Shamal said:

A few short days ago I received a friend request on FB from a young attractive lass about 29 years old... I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my fb friend. So I accepted it. Then she started sending me private messages. She was very kind. She called me handsome. She asked my age. I'm not a liar so I told her and reminded her I'm quite a bit her senior. And I let her talk a bit cause (truth be told) flattery ain't all that bad. We keep talking for a while and within a short time, she asked if we could talk about 'adult things'. I said ok. Then she replied with a face like ?. She said 'thank you babe, you start." So I did! I told her adult things like my knees and hips were hurting. My back acts up when it is cold outside. I explained that I have crazy insomnia, I toss and turn the entire night and that I often have leg cramps, especially when I try to sleep. I mentioned the scars from multiple surgeries and the limp I have from an old injury. And of course I had to throw in the need for daily fiber supplements to prevent passing gas. Can't forget that one! I was waiting for her to answer me...She blocked me. She wanted to talk about adult things and then couldn't take the heat! I think I'm just a bit too much man for her to handle! ?

This wasn't a gag was it, every word was the truth lol?

[Shamal]

2 minutes ago, Tackle said:

This wasn't a gag was it, every word was the truth lol?

Sadly yes ?

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Me. "I want to divorce my wife." 

 

Lawyer. "On what grounds?"

 

Me. "She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar."

 

Lawyer. "Is she an alcoholic or do you think she might be cheating?"

 

Me. "No, she's looking for me."

[Shamal]

I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night.
Anonymous, yeh right!
I knew everyone there!

[Shamal]

What do you call a dog that can do magic?

 

A Labracadabrador

[Shamal]

Went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole.

 

He said they all look like that and I should have left him in my garden