AirSniper Posted January 18, 2023 Share Posted January 18, 2023 A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?' He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.' She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only £20.00. She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 'Oh, that sounds like a Mastercard,' he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be £34.50 please..' The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for £20.00? How did you get £34.50?' He replies, 'Yes, that's correct. The rod and reel is £20.00, but the Duck Call is £11.00 and the Mosquito Repellent is £3.50. Tactical Pith Helmet and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 18, 2023 Share Posted January 18, 2023 Greta Thunberg has been arrested by German police. They plan to let her off with a warming. AirSniper, The Waco Kid and Shamal 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 18, 2023 Author Share Posted January 18, 2023 Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud. Shit. Times have changed. Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 19, 2023 Share Posted January 19, 2023 I'm not saying that cuts to the army are severe at the moment, but these days two's company and three's a battalion... Tackle, John_W, AirSniper and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted January 19, 2023 Share Posted January 19, 2023 I asked my other half why all her knickers have flowers on them. She replied "it's where the accident happened" Shamal, Tactical Pith Helmet and John_W 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Waco Kid Posted January 19, 2023 Share Posted January 19, 2023 (edited) I asked my wife why her knickers were labelled C & A. She said it’s so she knows which way round they go. Edited January 19, 2023 by The Waco Kid Shamal, Tackle and Cannonfodder 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 19, 2023 Author Share Posted January 19, 2023 When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5. Tactical Pith Helmet, John_W and The Waco Kid 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Waco Kid Posted January 19, 2023 Share Posted January 19, 2023 Thing is that would be any idea put forward at by my local council.🤨 Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AirSniper Posted January 20, 2023 Share Posted January 20, 2023 The Waco Kid, John_W and Shamal 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 21, 2023 Author Share Posted January 21, 2023 The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe. Look towards the sky. What you see?” The Lone Ranger replies “I see millions of stars.” “And what does that tell you?” asks Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders this for a minute and then says “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically speaking, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you, Tonto?” Tonto fixes the Lone Ranger with a steely glare and replies “It tells that you are dumber than buffalo crap. It means that someone's stolen our tent! Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 21, 2023 Share Posted January 21, 2023 Some people are never happy. My mate Dave has sex a couple of times a day, visits the gym every other day, reads two good books a week, is never on his own, and still doesn't like prison. Shamal and John_W 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 21, 2023 Author Share Posted January 21, 2023 Well my son was sent to jail once. He screamed,he swore,wouldn't eat and smeared excrement on the walls...... We never played Monopoly again! Tactical Pith Helmet and John_W 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 23, 2023 Author Share Posted January 23, 2023 I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I’m ageing like milk: Getting sour and chunky Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 If you want to know how many bees Noah had... Check the ark hives. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 25, 2023 Share Posted January 25, 2023 I've joined a dating app for arsonists. Every day they send you new matches. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 25, 2023 Author Share Posted January 25, 2023 I got on the number 925 bus from Woking the other day. I said to the driver “What a way to make a living” Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 26, 2023 Share Posted January 26, 2023 (edited) 5 hours ago, Shamal said: I got on the number 925 bus from Woking the other day. I said to the driver “What a way to make a living” Jesus fucking wept!!!! 😭 I see they're getting around to sweeping the darkest corners of the cracker factory... 🤣 Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months. Edited January 26, 2023 by Tactical Pith Helmet Skullchewer and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 26, 2023 Author Share Posted January 26, 2023 I'm off to the hospital. I reckon l've got pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it's hard to say Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 28, 2023 Share Posted January 28, 2023 These speedbumps are a joke. They slow you down if anything! Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 29, 2023 Author Share Posted January 29, 2023 A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth Is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The Inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK DUUUDE HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?! AirSniper, Tactical Pith Helmet and Madhouse 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 30, 2023 Share Posted January 30, 2023 Accidently passed my wife Evostik instead of lipstick last night. She's still not talking to me. Shamal, Tackle and AirSniper 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 30, 2023 Author Share Posted January 30, 2023 Before I part with my hard earned can anyone tell me what fried air tastes like? Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 I've still got the body of a 25 year old. I should take it back before I get sacked from the morgue to be honest. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted February 1, 2023 Author Share Posted February 1, 2023 Due to personal reasons I will be saying, "aye" and "arggg" instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time. Tactical Pith Helmet, Tackle and AirSniper 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted February 1, 2023 Share Posted February 1, 2023 I was walking past a building site this morning and some idiot of a builder dropped a bucket of cement on me. I was mortarfied. Shamal and Tackle 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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