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Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
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I've looked everywhere trying to buy an England flag for the European Championship final but I couldn't find one.

 

In the end, I bought a French one and drew a red cross on it.

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England have had to turn down a £150 million sponsorship deal with a major dog food manufacturer.

 

An England spokesman said "having Winalot on our kit was taking the piss"

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Went to a Trump rally this weekend.

 

All I got was this bloody T-shirt...

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A bit of advice....

Never read a pop up book about giraffes!

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  • Moderators
1 hour ago, Shamal said:

A bit of advice....

Never read a pop up book about giraffes!

 

giphy.gif

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I saw a police alsatian wearing a grey jumper.

It was a plain clothes police dog

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Doc: “Hi – I am sorry but I have bad news, and I have very bad news. Which one do you want first?”


Patient: “ok, give me the very bad news first”


Doc “We have received the latest test results and you have been diagnosed with Ligma. You only have 1 day to live”


Patient: “Just 1 day?! … what’s the bad news then?”


Doc: “I tried to call you yesterday, but you didn’t pick up your phone”

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I took my wife to be tested for Tourette’s Syndrome, but the test came back negative. Turns out I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

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The kids gerbil went missing last night.  I spent six hours looking for it!

 

It's definitely not in the pub.

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Why did the chicken commit suicide?

So it could get to the other side.

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Uncle Bob reckons that he's a bit of an athlete.

 

He once came first in a threesome....

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My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.

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I'm still looking for a cure for my sex addiction.

 

I've tried fucking everything.

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About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.

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Just attended a sheep dog trial in the Lake District
2 were acquitted and 4 were found guilty!

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I've bought a Microsoft strobe light.

 

 

It doesn't work properly unless you switch it off and on again.

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A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road.

The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.

"We need to take it to a vet. It's shivering, it must be cold, what should I do?" she asks.

Husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

"But it stinks!" she exclaims.

"So hold its nose!"

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It's going to be foggy tonight

It's going to be foggy tonight

It's going to be foggy tonight

It's going to be foggy tonight

 

You have..... 4 mist messages.

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A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY

SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

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Caught one of the roofers wanking on the job today.

 

He thought I'd sack him but I told him to start again and wipe the slate clean.  

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The school's counsellor called me and told me my son would not stop mooning all of his classmates.

 

I told her that, 'I think he's just going through a phase...'

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Kia have released a new car called the Kia Starmer. 

 

It does the fastest U turns in history.

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