DanBow Posted January 14 Share Posted January 14 15 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said: I've got some flat batteries going cheap. Thats a funny noise for a battery to make. Shamal, EDcase, Tactical Pith Helmet and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 14 Share Posted January 14 29 minutes ago, DanBow said: Thats a funny noise for a battery to make. B'dum tish. He's here all week folks. DanBow and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 15 Author Share Posted January 15 (edited) Cops were called to a house because the wife of the house said she killed her husband. The cops asked the lady why she murdered her husband. She said, “I just finished mopping the floor and he walked on it!" The cops called the Sergeant at the nick and told him what had happend and he asked if they had arrested her? “No Sergeant,not yet,the floors still wet” Edited January 15 by Shamal Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 17 Author Share Posted January 17 What do you call a spider with 10 eyes? A spiiiiiiiiiider! Sorry Tactical Pith Helmet, DanBow, _K4MF_ and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 18 Author Share Posted January 18 This fella said to me today: “Are those thick lens glasses you're wearing?” I said: “No, they're mine" Tactical Pith Helmet, _K4MF_ and Cannonfodder 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 19 Share Posted January 19 Don't let people put you down. They told Beethoven that he'd never be a composer due to being deaf. Did he listen? Shamal, _K4MF_ and DanBow 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post AttackBunny Posted January 20 Popular Post Share Posted January 20 It’s said that musicians and artists can tell what note they moan in when they have sex. Well I’m no singer but I know that R. Kelly moans in A Minor DanBow, Tactical Pith Helmet, Cannonfodder and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 20 Share Posted January 20 It's a dog eat dog world out there. Especially when you buy your pet food at Lidl. Shamal, _K4MF_ and Cannonfodder 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 Prince Charles has been found to have an enlarged prostate. Pure chance that it was discovered. Camilla was only looking for her phone. _K4MF_, Cannonfodder, Shamal and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 23 Author Share Posted January 23 On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with a Native American medicine. man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want." The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2 3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for ?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle Cannonfodder, Tackle, Tactical Pith Helmet and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 Lost three tiles in the storm last night, gonna play scrabble inside from now on. AttackBunny and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AttackBunny Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 What’s got two I’s and smokes? Pompeii Shamal and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_K4MF_ Posted January 25 Share Posted January 25 The other day my wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house, I looked at her and said "Decepticons!" She laughed , I laughed , the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster... It was a good time! Shamal, Tackle, DanBow and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 25 Author Share Posted January 25 I went to my first ballet the other night and saw women dancing on tiptoe . Why don’t they just get taller girls ? DanBow, Jedi_Master, Tactical Pith Helmet and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 27 Share Posted January 27 I've started singing with a group called The Blankets. We're a covers band. Shamal and _K4MF_ 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Shamal Posted January 28 Author Popular Post Share Posted January 28 Looking for a bit of advice . What's the best number of roses to give the wife for Valentine’s Day? 6, 12, 24 or should I give her the whole tin?? Jedi_Master, DanBow, Cannonfodder and 2 others 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 28 Share Posted January 28 The CEO of Boeing has said that anyone with a problem with one of his aircraft can take it up with him personally. His door is always open. Cannonfodder, DanBow and Shamal 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 I'm looking to buy an old disused lighthouse. Does anybody know of one for sale? I am happy to buy anything, but don’t want anything too flashy. Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 31 Share Posted January 31 The South Korean ban on dog meat won't work at all. The trade will just go on underhound. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Cannonfodder Posted January 31 Popular Post Share Posted January 31 Sex in your 40's is interesting. You never know if it's an orgasm, a stroke or just cramp Tackle, _K4MF_, Tactical Pith Helmet and 2 others 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Tactical Pith Helmet Posted January 31 Popular Post Share Posted January 31 Today I married a lovely girl that works for Lidl. As I walked her down the aisle I picked up some drill-bits and cycling socks too! gavinkempsell, DanBow, AttackBunny and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_K4MF_ Posted February 1 Share Posted February 1 I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. Surprised and excited I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden. DanBow, Shamal, Tackle and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted February 1 Author Share Posted February 1 I pulled a nose hair today to see if it hurt. Well, judging by the reaction of the guy sleeping next to me on the bus, I'm thinking fuck yes!! gavinkempsell, Cannonfodder, _K4MF_ and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted February 3 Share Posted February 3 Asked my wife if she'd do karaoke with me. She wouldn't duet... _K4MF_ and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted February 3 Author Share Posted February 3 I asked the librarian if they had any books on finding Big Foot.... She said.. Try the large print section. _K4MF_ and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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