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Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
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I sprayed my van with some rust remover last night.

 

I've now got a set of Ford Transit wheels for sale...

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My butcher’s so tall,  no one can reach the meat on his shelves. 

The steaks have never been higher.

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I keep having the same recurring dream.  I keep dreaming that I'm a horse.

 

It's been six nights on the trot now.

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I've decided to go on two diets.

Let's face it there just isn't enough food in one....

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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied,

"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.

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Reports just in of a man attacking people with a chickpea and garlic dip.

 

Police are warning people that a houmousidal maniac is on the loose.  

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I was climbing in the Himalayas a while back and was accosted by a Yeti, it forced me to do a thousand sit ups and a thousand stomach crunches.
When I got back to base and told the Sherpa, he said “Ah yes, that’ll be the abdominal snowman

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My house is haunted by a chicken. 

 

Not sure if it's a poultryguist or some other fowl spirit, but I'm getting an eggsorcist in. 

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38 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

My house is haunted by a chicken. 

 

Not sure if it's a poultryguist or some other fowl spirit, but I'm getting an eggsorcist in. 

🤦

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The organs of the human body were debating as to who should be the boss.

The brain said that as he did all the thinking and controlled every part of the body, he should be the boss.

The heart said that as the body could not live without the blood circulation he provided, he should be the boss.

The stomach said that he digested all the food and gave the body energy, so he should be the boss.

All other organs made their cases similarly.

Then the asshole applied for the post.

The other organs laughed so loudly that the ass hole got angry and shut himself.

Within a couple of days the stomach got sick, the brain went fuzzy, the heart developed palpitations and every other organ began shutting down.

The organs learned their lesson. They all got together and elected the ass hole as boss.

Moral of the story:

You don’t need to be the brain or the brawn to be the boss, you only need to be an ass hole.

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'We'd like to stay in the bridal suite,' the honeymooners said at the reception desk.

 

'Do you have reservations?' asked the receptionist.

 

'Yes, I'm worried about taking it up the arse,' replied the bride.

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They say that 50 is the new 30, but one traffic officer begged to differ and I ended up with 3 points on my driving licence ☹️

On 16/10/2022 at 20:32, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

'We'd like to stay in the bridal suite,' the honeymooners said at the reception desk.

 

'Do you have reservations?' asked the receptionist.

 

'Yes, I'm worried about taking it up the arse,' replied the bride.

Well I think it's funny.

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I was queueing at the bus stop this morning and mentioned to a young girl,
'Chilly isn't it?"

She replied   'Winter draws on'

To which I said 'That is absolutely none of your business you cheeky girl!”

Youth today, tsk

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'I told everyone that the Titanic would sink,' said Grandfather.

 

'I shouted it out loud, but no one listened.'

 

'I got chucked out of the cinema too...'

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Aren’t animals amazing. 
I just passed the hospital and there was a sign saying ‘Guard dogs operate at this hospital

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2 hours ago, Skullchewer said:

Speaking of animals, what's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is pretty heavy but the other is a little lighter.

LOL, it was funnier the first time we heard it, a couple of pages back😜

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6 hours ago, Tackle said:

LOL, it was funnier the first time we heard it, a couple of pages back😜

That's true 🤣

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