Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

In retrospect I wish now I'd bought my cans of baked beans on line;
Heinz site is a wonderful thing.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

58 minutes ago, Shamal said:

In retrospect I wish now I'd bought my cans of baked beans on line;
Heinz site is a wonderful thing.

Jesus wept!  😅

 

 

 

Lollipop ladies.  They make me cross.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I see that the new Queen is going to be a man.

 

Will this woke nonsense ever end?

[Cannonfodder]

Shamelessly nicked ftom faceache. It was titled The Army Photograper but I think it's more like The Airsoft Youtuber 

[Shamal]

When I was at school, my teacher told me not to worry about spelling, as in the future there will always be an autocorrect.  For that I am eternally grapefruit.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I saw a sleepwalking nun last night.

 

 

'Must be a roamin’ Catholic,' I thought.

[Shamal]

A pair of Peruvian owls have been introduced at Marwell zoo.  They had to have two of them due to them hunting in pairs, that’s because they’re Inca hoots.🦉🦉

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

She opened the door in her nighty. 

 

That's an odd place for a door I thought.   

[Shamal]

34 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

She opened the door in her nighty. 

 

That's an odd place for a door I thought.   

Haha drum roll.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Spending my entire weekend bobsleighing.

 

I can't tell you how much I hate people called Bob.   

[BigBell1987]

3 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Spending my entire weekend bobsleighing.

 

I can't tell you how much I hate people called Bob.   

Reminds me of the dude in the sea with no arms and legs, I imagine it may be you who put him in that predicament.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

 

One's really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

[Shamal]

Did you know, if you have a sore back and you rub some olive oil and a bit of sea salt into it, it will feel instantly greasier and grittier!

[AirSniper]

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

 I never wanted a beard.

 

 

But then it grew on me.

[Shamal]

I went to see the doctor and he told me he was sending me to see a cardiologist.
But I don't think there's anything wrong with the one I was wearing.

[Cannonfodder]

The clitoris has over 8000 nerve endings

 

Still not as sensitive as an airsofter on social media 

[Shamal]

If there are that many how come I can't even find one 🤔

Edited September 20, 2022 by Shamal

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

We don't know how the present generation will present our age in years to come as history.

 

We can be pretty certain that it will have appalling spelling though. 

[Shamal]

Working in the local Glue Factory, I’ve noticed they are very strict,  they have very specific rules you have to adhere to.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Saw two peanuts walking down the street today.

 

One was a salted.

[Shamal]

5 minutes ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Saw two peanuts walking down the street today.

 

One was a salted.

🤦

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

48 minutes ago, Shamal said:

🤦

You don't know how deep the bottom of this barrel is...

 

Mwahahaha!

[Shamal]

So happy, my oldest pig wasn’t in good health but a bloke at the farmers market said if I come back in 28 days he’ll be cured.🙂🐷

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman, "Can I have a pint please, but not Stella. I had ten pints of it last night and ended up fucking skint.

 

The barman says, "But it's only £3 a pint." 

 

The man replies, "I know. Skint's my dog!"