Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 Rang the orphanage today and said that I had a large donation for them. I'll drop the fat little swine off after school on Monday... gavinkempsell, Shamal, Cannonfodder and 1 other 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanBow Posted March 24 Share Posted March 24 7 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said: Rang the orphanage today and said that I had a large donation for them. I'll drop the fat little swine off after school on Monday... Reminds me of the time that I had a vasectomy because I didnt want kids but when I got home they were still there! Shamal, Cannonfodder and Tactical Pith Helmet 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 25 Author Share Posted March 25 A guy asks at a zoo if they've got any jobs. “Well”, says the owner “we're not doing too well and one of the gorillas died the other day. I'll pay you to dress up in a gorilla suit and take his place”. So the guy gets dressed in the gorilla suit and is walking around inside the enclosure when a huge great silver back male gorilla approaches him. He's absolutely terrified, scared for his life. He runs as fast as he can and jumps over the enclosure wall. Only to land in the Lion enclosure. “Oh my f@cking god” he screams, “help me I'm not a gorilla I'm a human being”, as a big lion moves towards him. “Shut the fuck up”, says the lion, “or you'll get us all fired” Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 I have a disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes. My doctor says it's terminal... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 26 Author Share Posted March 26 6 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said: I have a disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes. My doctor says it's terminal... Well that's plain to see..... Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 26 Author Share Posted March 26 A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.” The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.” On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, “What happened to you?” The man replied "No one turned up" Cannonfodder and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 27 Share Posted March 27 Sad to see all this fighting around the world between various religions. Yet I see how peaceful Hindus are in contrast. They have no beef with anyone! Shamal and Cannonfodder 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 27 Author Share Posted March 27 If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it. It's spam. Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 3 hours ago, Shamal said: If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it. It's spam. Deja vu is strong with this one! Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs. Now the circuit breakers are tripping and my electric bill is really high. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 28 Author Share Posted March 28 19 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said: Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs. Now the circuit breakers are tripping and my electric bill is really high. Deja vu is strong with this one! Oops! Sorry.🙂 Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 28 Author Share Posted March 28 This kinda relates to the above lol. The great thing about being my age is that I can hide my own Easter eggs,wait half an hour and have no clue where I hid them🤔 Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EDcase Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 12 minutes ago, Shamal said: This kinda relates to the above lol. The great thing about being my age is that I can hide my own Easter eggs,wait half an hour and have no clue where I hid them🤔 Memento 😁👍 Tactical Pith Helmet and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 29 Share Posted March 29 My dad always said "when one door shuts, another one opens" He never could sell that bloody car. EDcase and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 31 Author Share Posted March 31 I told my doctor, “the older I get, the more I spread gossip." My doctor replied "Sounds like you've got rumourtism." EDcase and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 1 Share Posted April 1 I went into an explosives shop yesterday and tried to buy a grenade with my debit card. It all went wrong when the cashier asked for my pin. Shamal, DanBow and EDcase 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 1 Author Share Posted April 1 (edited) I saw a man sat in a shop doorway with an empty cup in front of him.He was dressed up as Henry the Eighth and I thought, "That's not right, beggars can't be Tudors." Sorry Edited April 1 by Shamal DanBow and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 3 Share Posted April 3 My new girlfriend is pretty sophisticated. She likes her Pot Noodles al dente. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 3 Author Share Posted April 3 I’ve got a friend who eats frozen apples. That's proper hard core. Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 4 Share Posted April 4 Germany has just warned its population of an upcoming sausage and cheese shortage. They are calling it the wurst käse scenario. Dogsbody100 and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 5 Author Share Posted April 5 One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred pounds, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow. "What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified. "Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on" Cannonfodder and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 7 Author Share Posted April 7 Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative mate. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?" "Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Easy, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!" Cannonfodder and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 7 Share Posted April 7 Is anyone on here any good at crosswords? "Where they nailed Jesus." 2 across. Shamal, DanBow and Cannonfodder 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 8 Author Share Posted April 8 I went to the shop this morning to pick up 6 cans of Sprite. When I got home I realised that I'd picked 7 up. Tactical Pith Helmet and DanBow 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 I can't take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep biting him. I should have known this would happen. He's pure bread. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 9 Author Share Posted April 9 Money saving tip : Instead of buying a coffin just order a pen from Amazon and use the box it comes in! EDcase and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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