Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 14 Share Posted July 14 I've looked everywhere trying to buy an England flag for the European Championship final but I couldn't find one. In the end, I bought a French one and drew a red cross on it. Jedi_Master and Galvatron 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted July 14 Author Share Posted July 14 England have had to turn down a £150 million sponsorship deal with a major dog food manufacturer. An England spokesman said "having Winalot on our kit was taking the piss" Cannonfodder, nighthawkkhan and Tactical Pith Helmet 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 Went to a Trump rally this weekend. All I got was this bloody T-shirt... DaktariT, nighthawkkhan, Cannonfodder and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted July 15 Author Share Posted July 15 A bit of advice.... Never read a pop up book about giraffes! nighthawkkhan, Tactical Pith Helmet and Tackle 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Tackle Posted July 15 Moderators Share Posted July 15 1 hour ago, Shamal said: A bit of advice.... Never read a pop up book about giraffes! Shamal, Tactical Pith Helmet and nighthawkkhan 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted July 16 Author Share Posted July 16 I saw a police alsatian wearing a grey jumper. It was a plain clothes police dog nighthawkkhan and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 Doc: “Hi – I am sorry but I have bad news, and I have very bad news. Which one do you want first?” Patient: “ok, give me the very bad news first” Doc “We have received the latest test results and you have been diagnosed with Ligma. You only have 1 day to live” Patient: “Just 1 day?! … what’s the bad news then?” Doc: “I tried to call you yesterday, but you didn’t pick up your phone” nighthawkkhan 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 I took my wife to be tested for Tourette’s Syndrome, but the test came back negative. Turns out I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off. concretesnail, Tactical Pith Helmet and nighthawkkhan 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Cannonfodder Posted July 17 Popular Post Share Posted July 17 An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’ He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’ She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’ The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’ He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’ Tactical Pith Helmet, Shamal, Jedi_Master and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 18 Share Posted July 18 The kids gerbil went missing last night. I spent six hours looking for it! It's definitely not in the pub. nighthawkkhan, Shamal and Cannonfodder 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted July 20 Author Share Posted July 20 Why did the chicken commit suicide? So it could get to the other side. nighthawkkhan, DaktariT and Tactical Pith Helmet 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 21 Share Posted July 21 Uncle Bob reckons that he's a bit of an athlete. He once came first in a threesome.... DanBow, Shamal and DaktariT 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted July 22 Author Share Posted July 22 My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination. nighthawkkhan 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 24 Share Posted July 24 I'm still looking for a cure for my sex addiction. I've tried fucking everything. nighthawkkhan, DanBow and Shamal 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 25 Share Posted July 25 What's got 2 legs & bleeds? Half a cat. nighthawkkhan and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted July 25 Author Share Posted July 25 About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly. nighthawkkhan and Tactical Pith Helmet 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted July 26 Author Share Posted July 26 Just attended a sheep dog trial in the Lake District 2 were acquitted and 4 were found guilty! Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 28 Share Posted July 28 I've bought a Microsoft strobe light. It doesn't work properly unless you switch it off and on again. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted July 28 Author Share Posted July 28 A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car. "We need to take it to a vet. It's shivering, it must be cold, what should I do?" she asks. Husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." "But it stinks!" she exclaims. "So hold its nose!" Tactical Pith Helmet and Cannonfodder 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaktariT Posted July 28 Share Posted July 28 What does a Ginger miss at a great party? The invite Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 It's going to be foggy tonight It's going to be foggy tonight It's going to be foggy tonight It's going to be foggy tonight You have..... 4 mist messages. Shamal, DanBow, _K4MF_ and 1 other 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted July 30 Author Share Posted July 30 A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!" Tactical Pith Helmet, nighthawkkhan and Cannonfodder 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 30 Share Posted July 30 Caught one of the roofers wanking on the job today. He thought I'd sack him but I told him to start again and wipe the slate clean. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted August 2 Share Posted August 2 The school's counsellor called me and told me my son would not stop mooning all of his classmates. I told her that, 'I think he's just going through a phase...' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted August 3 Share Posted August 3 Kia have released a new car called the Kia Starmer. It does the fastest U turns in history. Tackle, Shamal and DaktariT 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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