Jump to content

Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
 Share

Recommended Posts

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

“I feel horrible;

I look old, fat, and ugly…

I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies,

“Your eyesight’s damn near perfect

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just trade marked a padded bra that never loses its shape.

 

I call it Mammary Foam®

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My wife recently told me that as I'm a parent I need to make sacrifices.

 

But then she hit the roof when she came home and saw the giant pentagram on the kitchen table and what I had done to the cat.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Nearly managed to marry my ex-wife, but she figured out that I was only after my money.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A guy walked into his friend’s office

He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what’s up with you?," he asked.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She’s hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither. He’s bald.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was in the shower at the gym and when I came out, some idiot had stolen my trainers and hi-vis jacket!

 

I have one thing to say to that lowlife…… you can run, but you can’t hide!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We've been trying for children for the past ten years without success. Finally, out of pure frustration, my wife suggested that we might try IVF.

 

How joining the Israeli army is going to help I don't know.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My neighbour just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Who guessed that the hill the Tories would choose to die on would be William Hill? 

Edited by Tactical Pith Helmet
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

I'm fed up with next doors dog barking all fuckin' night in their garden.

 

Tonight I'm gonna jump over the fence,snatch the bloody dog and put it I'm my garden. Let's see how they like it for a change!

Edited by Shamal
Link to comment
Share on other sites

England's footballers won't be voting in the general election.

 

They can't find the box, never mind put a cross into it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I bought 2 pints of milk in Lidl today...

 

It was an impulse buy, I only went in for an angle grinder, a wet suit and an 18ft ladder!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Funny that.

I went to Lidl yesterday to get a bag of sparks for my grinder and a bucket of steam for the kettle but there was neither. I guess they had a run on them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How do you know when it's time to replace your ripped and shredded fashion jeans?

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My friend was caught climbing the fence a Glastonbury.

 

Security pulled him down and forced him to get back in and watch Coldplay.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I grow expensive plants for rich customers. I just look down on the hoi polloi who can't afford them. I'm a haughtyculturalist.

20 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

My friend was caught climbing the fence a Glastonbury.

 

Security pulled him down and forced him to get back in and watch Coldplay.

Haha.

I've climbed over many moons ago.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's unfair to compare the English men's and women's international football teams. More power, more strength, more skill.

 

And in time I'm pretty sure the men will catch up...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have applied for the University of Liverpool.  Apparently, I need three ay ay ay levels to get in.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I went out for a meal tonight.  The waiter noticed that I hadn't eaten all of my chips, and said, 'Do you want a box for those?'

 

Seeing that I'd already paid for the fuckers I put my fists up and had first swing.  

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just finished writing a book about my car.

It's an Auto Biography!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was in a restaurant earlier when a group of electricians came in.

 

The waiter asked if they wanted a starter. But they went straight for the mains.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m not saying we live in dangerous times but the most powerful man in the world with the nuclear launch codes has dementia and mixes up Zelensky and Putin.

 

 

What could possibly go wrong?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...