Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

“I feel horrible;

I look old, fat, and ugly…

I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies,

“Your eyesight’s damn near perfect

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I just trade marked a padded bra that never loses its shape.

 

I call it Mammary Foam®

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife recently told me that as I'm a parent I need to make sacrifices.

 

But then she hit the roof when she came home and saw the giant pentagram on the kitchen table and what I had done to the cat.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Nearly managed to marry my ex-wife, but she figured out that I was only after my money.  

[Shamal]

A guy walked into his friend’s office

He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what’s up with you?," he asked.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She’s hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither. He’s bald.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was in the shower at the gym and when I came out, some idiot had stolen my trainers and hi-vis jacket!

 

I have one thing to say to that lowlife…… you can run, but you can’t hide!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

We've been trying for children for the past ten years without success. Finally, out of pure frustration, my wife suggested that we might try IVF.

 

How joining the Israeli army is going to help I don't know.

[Shamal]

My neighbour just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Who guessed that the hill the Tories would choose to die on would be William Hill? 

Edited June 26, 2024 by Tactical Pith Helmet

[Shamal]

I'm fed up with next doors dog barking all fuckin' night in their garden.

 

Tonight I'm gonna jump over the fence,snatch the bloody dog and put it I'm my garden. Let's see how they like it for a change!

Edited June 27, 2024 by Shamal

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

England's footballers won't be voting in the general election.

 

They can't find the box, never mind put a cross into it.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I bought 2 pints of milk in Lidl today...

 

It was an impulse buy, I only went in for an angle grinder, a wet suit and an 18ft ladder!

[Shamal]

Funny that.

I went to Lidl yesterday to get a bag of sparks for my grinder and a bucket of steam for the kettle but there was neither. I guess they had a run on them.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I asked the Geordie barber for a perm.

 

He said "I wandered lernly as a clood....."

[Shamal]

How do you know when it's time to replace your ripped and shredded fashion jeans?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My friend was caught climbing the fence a Glastonbury.

 

Security pulled him down and forced him to get back in and watch Coldplay.

[Shamal]

I grow expensive plants for rich customers. I just look down on the hoi polloi who can't afford them. I'm a haughtyculturalist.

20 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

My friend was caught climbing the fence a Glastonbury.

 

Security pulled him down and forced him to get back in and watch Coldplay.

Haha.

I've climbed over many moons ago.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

It's unfair to compare the English men's and women's international football teams. More power, more strength, more skill.

 

And in time I'm pretty sure the men will catch up...

[Shamal]

I have applied for the University of Liverpool.  Apparently, I need three ay ay ay levels to get in.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I went out for a meal tonight.  The waiter noticed that I hadn't eaten all of my chips, and said, 'Do you want a box for those?'

 

Seeing that I'd already paid for the fuckers I put my fists up and had first swing.  

 

[Shamal]

Just finished writing a book about my car.

It's an Auto Biography!!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Scientists have discovered a method for dealing with dyslexia.

 

It's music to my arse!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was in a restaurant earlier when a group of electricians came in.

 

The waiter asked if they wanted a starter. But they went straight for the mains.

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I’m not saying we live in dangerous times but the most powerful man in the world with the nuclear launch codes has dementia and mixes up Zelensky and Putin.

 

 

What could possibly go wrong?

[DaktariT]

My girlfriend is a keeper.

 

She's got goalie gloves.