Shamal Posted June 15 Author Share Posted June 15 A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat, and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect Galvatron, nighthawkkhan, Cannonfodder and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 I just trade marked a padded bra that never loses its shape. I call it Mammary Foam® Jedi_Master, Cannonfodder, Galvatron and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted June 16 Share Posted June 16 My wife recently told me that as I'm a parent I need to make sacrifices. But then she hit the roof when she came home and saw the giant pentagram on the kitchen table and what I had done to the cat. Shamal, Galvatron, DaktariT and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted June 19 Share Posted June 19 Nearly managed to marry my ex-wife, but she figured out that I was only after my money. Cannonfodder and Shamal 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted June 21 Author Share Posted June 21 A guy walked into his friend’s office He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what’s up with you?," he asked. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She’s hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither. He’s bald. Tactical Pith Helmet, Galvatron and DaktariT 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 I was in the shower at the gym and when I came out, some idiot had stolen my trainers and hi-vis jacket! I have one thing to say to that lowlife…… you can run, but you can’t hide! nighthawkkhan and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted June 25 Share Posted June 25 We've been trying for children for the past ten years without success. Finally, out of pure frustration, my wife suggested that we might try IVF. How joining the Israeli army is going to help I don't know. DaktariT 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted June 25 Author Share Posted June 25 My neighbour just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed. nighthawkkhan and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted June 26 Share Posted June 26 (edited) Who guessed that the hill the Tories would choose to die on would be William Hill? Edited June 26 by Tactical Pith Helmet nighthawkkhan, Adolf Hamster, Shamal and 1 other 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted June 27 Author Share Posted June 27 (edited) I'm fed up with next doors dog barking all fuckin' night in their garden. Tonight I'm gonna jump over the fence,snatch the bloody dog and put it I'm my garden. Let's see how they like it for a change! Edited June 27 by Shamal Tactical Pith Helmet and nighthawkkhan 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 England's footballers won't be voting in the general election. They can't find the box, never mind put a cross into it. Shamal, Jedi_Master, DaktariT and 1 other 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted June 29 Share Posted June 29 I bought 2 pints of milk in Lidl today... It was an impulse buy, I only went in for an angle grinder, a wet suit and an 18ft ladder! Shamal, gavinkempsell and Jedi_Master 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted June 29 Author Share Posted June 29 Funny that. I went to Lidl yesterday to get a bag of sparks for my grinder and a bucket of steam for the kettle but there was neither. I guess they had a run on them. Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 I asked the Geordie barber for a perm. He said "I wandered lernly as a clood....." Shamal and DanBow 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted July 1 Author Share Posted July 1 How do you know when it's time to replace your ripped and shredded fashion jeans? Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 2 Share Posted July 2 My friend was caught climbing the fence a Glastonbury. Security pulled him down and forced him to get back in and watch Coldplay. Jedi_Master and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted July 2 Author Share Posted July 2 I grow expensive plants for rich customers. I just look down on the hoi polloi who can't afford them. I'm a haughtyculturalist. 20 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said: My friend was caught climbing the fence a Glastonbury. Security pulled him down and forced him to get back in and watch Coldplay. Haha. I've climbed over many moons ago. Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 4 Share Posted July 4 It's unfair to compare the English men's and women's international football teams. More power, more strength, more skill. And in time I'm pretty sure the men will catch up... Shamal, nighthawkkhan and Cannonfodder 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted July 4 Author Share Posted July 4 I have applied for the University of Liverpool. Apparently, I need three ay ay ay levels to get in. DanBow and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 I went out for a meal tonight. The waiter noticed that I hadn't eaten all of my chips, and said, 'Do you want a box for those?' Seeing that I'd already paid for the fuckers I put my fists up and had first swing. Tackle and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted July 5 Author Share Posted July 5 Just finished writing a book about my car. It's an Auto Biography!! Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 5 Share Posted July 5 Scientists have discovered a method for dealing with dyslexia. It's music to my arse! Shamal and Cannonfodder 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 9 Share Posted July 9 I was in a restaurant earlier when a group of electricians came in. The waiter asked if they wanted a starter. But they went straight for the mains. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted July 12 Share Posted July 12 I’m not saying we live in dangerous times but the most powerful man in the world with the nuclear launch codes has dementia and mixes up Zelensky and Putin. What could possibly go wrong? Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaktariT Posted July 13 Share Posted July 13 My girlfriend is a keeper. She's got goalie gloves. Shamal and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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