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Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
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Life's like a box of chocolates.

 

It doesn't last as long for fat people. 

Edited by Tactical Pith Helmet
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4 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said:

Life's like a box of chocolates.

 

It doesn't last as long for fat people. 

You could have broken that to me a bit easier 🐷

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I’ve bought a beehive, 5 chickens and a cockerel.....
That way I can get my honey for nothing and my chicks for free.

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My wife is fed up of my wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "What can I do to stop?"

 

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

 

"No it doesn't," I said.

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My mother’s sisters often stay up all night  and light candles in support of social causes. My siblings consider them vigil aunties.

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My first job was as a mannequin in a shop window. 

 

I held the position for quite some time.   

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I broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store. Now...
I’m stuck between a dock and a card place

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I got caught selling drugs at work.  The boss said, "I'll deal with you in my office."

 

Sold him an ounce.

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I hear that killer whales have been attacking yachts off Portugal. Some scientists have said these attacks are random..I say they are orcastrated.

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For sale..

90's iconic Sooty and Sweep puppets.

Any offer accepted.

Just want them off my hands.

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My Uncle David has moved to Moss Side.  It's not as rough or deprived as people say apparently.  He quickly found a job. 

 

He's rear gunner on the number six bus.   

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A massive congratulations to Hugh Zapritti Boyden for being voted chairman of the budgerigar appreciation society.

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The older I get the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years 

 

Maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all

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My wife asked me to clear the dining table tonight.   

 

I managed it but I needed a damn good run up.

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Sad to hear that Pins & Needles magazine has folded due to poor circulation.

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Crikey is the ACME manufacturing co still going?

I though they had folded when they lost Wile E.Coyote and Bugs Bunnys' business.😉

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 A sister and her little brother are attending the first day of primary school in a one-room country school. The teacher is having all the students stand and give their names. When it’s the sister’s turn, she stands and says, “My name is Snotty Jones.”

“No,” says the teacher. “I don’t want you to give us your nickname, I want your real given name.”

“But, teacher,” says the girl, “That IS my real name! Everybody has called me that for my whole life!”

“Well, that’s just not possible, and if you don’t know what the name on your birth certificate is, I’m going to have to send you home to get it.”

“Okay, I guess that’s what I have to do,” the girl says and gathers her belongings. As she walks by her little brother’s desk, she says, “C’mon, Shitty, she’s not going to believe you, either"

Edited by Shamal
Alteration
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A Russian agent arrives at a small Welsh station and asks for Mr Jones.

“Well,” says the stationmaster, “there’s Jones the Milk, Jones the Meat, Jones the Flowers, Jones the Undertaker. In fact, my name’s Jones.”

The agent whispers to him, “The eagle doesn’t walk over the mountain.”

“Ah,” says the stationmaster, “you want Jones the Spy.”

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Just fell off a ladder getting some of my Hitchcock collection down.   Managed to grab a DVD though. 

 

Think I got Vertigo.   

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