Shamal

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Thor the Norse warrior is killed in battle, he arrives in Valhalla and is greeted by Odin the great god, after a while Thor is sorely missing the pleasures of a woman and keeps on pleading with Odin to allow him to go back to earth one last time to satisfy himself, finally Odin agrees with one condition that he does not tell the woman his name, Thor readily agrees and after a night of very passionate lovemaking he is very pleased with himself and decides when the lady comes back from the bathroom he would tell her who he is, "I’m Thor" he shouts beating his chest, " YOU'RE THORE?" she exclaims "I’m so thore l could hardly pith"

It's probably one he made lol

I asked my daughter to pass me the phone book. She called me a dinosaur and laughed and handed me her iPhone. Anyway the spider is dead,the iPhone is broken and my daughter is furious.😕

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"

Love it. The wife wants one. She is quite interested in the gun as well 😂

I'm the words of the old Rawhide song...'Dont try to understand 'em just head 'em up and brand 'em, keep rolling till the end of the road'

Dogs can't sign consent forms for one! And they are notorious for not calling their hits!

Two elderly southern widows are sitting on one of their porches talking about how good their husbands had been to them. The first woman says, “On my first wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a gold ring.” The second woman says (with a southern drawl), “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.” The first woman says, “On my tenth wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a diamond necklace.” The second woman says, “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.” The first woman says, “And on my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a trip around the world.” The second woman says, “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.” The first woman says, “And what did your husband ever buy for you?” The second woman says, “Well, on my first wedding anniversary, my husband bought me lessons at a school of etiquette.” The first woman says, “Lessons at a school of etiquette? Well, why in the world would he buy you something like that?” The second woman says, “So I’d learn how to say that’s nice instead of who the fuck cares.”

Please explain.my brain hurts now 😂

Apologies for this very contrived offering. Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared... (You're going to hate me for this...) 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco

I purchased a two pack of ciabatta rolls from said store last evening. They had the yellow 'reduced' sticker on. Joy of joys they had been reduced from £1.10 tooooooo,wait for it.....£1.09. Probably cost more to print bloody sticker as I pointed out to the young lady serving me. Regards

I was told it’s fine to allow your pets to sleep on your bed. But thanks to that advice, my two goldfish are now very poorly.

More tea Vicar? 😂 Yeah every two weeks....hang on what are we talking about? Oh yeah I try and play every Airsoft once a month.😉

Thanks....ish 😉🙂

As above. Plus I think you need a bit of forum cred first. Meaning you can't just join to sell. I'm prob wrong but then again I generally am 🙂

Nice 😂

I told my wife that she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

THE HELPFUL BIRD A man was hiking through a large forest when he suddenly found himself surrounded be a huge pack of snarling wolves! Shaking uncontrollably with fear, the man said in a trembling voice, "I'm in big trouble!!!" But just then a little bird landed on his shoulder and said in a soft pleasant soothing voice, "No, you are NOT in big trouble. Here's what you can do. See that large male wolf with the brown birth mark on his head? That's the leader wolf 🐺, the head of the pack. Take that branch lying on the ground beside you and stab that leader wolf with the sharp end of the branch right on that birth mark as hard as you can." "Thank you kind bird",said the man, as he bent down, picked up the stick, walked over to the leader wolf and stabbed the sharp end of the stick with all his might right on the wolf's birthmark. The bird then said, "NOW you're in big trouble!"

Yeah I can see what he means 🙂 I guess we have all watched the war films and seen how it should be done but that all goes out the window on game days when as soon as you are out of the safe zone all the plans and strategies you made go to pot and it's everyman for himself 😂 I personally play for enjoyment and the freedom to approach the objectives in my own crazy way and maybe get some hits along the way and then I go home happy. I think that the last thing I want is somebody barking orders and getting uptight cause I'm not in the right place at the right time.(I would not have made a good soldier😂) I've nothing against teams that want to train and home theirs skills. I guess skills equal kills🤔 Just not for me👍 Regards

I was very disappointed when the limousine I ordered, didn’t come with a driver. I spent £400 and had nothing to chauffeur it ☹️

5.11 is good kit. I've had my 5.11 range bag for 15 years now and I do fill it up with mags,pistols and all manner of related gear. It's heavy but has never popped a stitch or had a zip go west.👍

Touche. I see you have played this game before 😂

Maybe you are gagging cause ya false chompers are moving about 😂😂😉

Yep as @Speedbird_666says probably a stripped piston. Sounds like you need a new motor as well. When you say pin do you mean the terminal where the red or black wire connects? If you are handy with a soldering iron you can maybe get over that problem. Lesson learnt though😉 Good luck👍