Tactical Pith Helmet

England's footballers won't be voting in the general election. They can't find the box, never mind put a cross into it.

Who guessed that the hill the Tories would choose to die on would be William Hill?

We've been trying for children for the past ten years without success. Finally, out of pure frustration, my wife suggested that we might try IVF. How joining the Israeli army is going to help I don't know.

Yep, fire can cause smoke to block one's vision, firing an unmoderated rifle 10 feet from a horse rider for example also clearly would be a serious matter too. Shotgun beside a motorway would be unnoticeable, but I wouldn't like to be in the dock arguing it these days.

I was in the shower at the gym and when I came out, some idiot had stolen my trainers and hi-vis jacket! I have one thing to say to that lowlife…… you can run, but you can’t hide!

Thanks Colin, the phrase 'twelve men good and true,' from Twelve Angry Men went through my head as I was typing. Genuine Freudian slip!

Was your journey 'interrupted' by said twat, or did you merely perceive that your journey required interruption despite the lack of actual danger? I think that this is how the law was designed. It was explained to me a few years back that if one set up a pigeon shooting hide that backed onto the crash barriers of a motorway, that you would be about 50' from the centre of the highway. Some pillock could stop and report you as being a threat if they saw you. If you were shooting safely away from the highway and over 50' away, nowt the plod can do, but if closer than 50' and shooting safely then it's court and convincing 12 jurors that you posed no threat and that the reporter was incorrect in his/her/their assessment. Since Clint Eastwood has shown us all that a shotgun has an effective range of three miles and never misses, a jury may well side with the pillock rather than the pest controller these days.

The Swedish LK35 has an external frame and comes with a Molle waistbelt, all in 1000D so pretty modern I'd guess.

Nearly managed to marry my ex-wife, but she figured out that I was only after my money.

Bloody cool, but lacks a pith helmet...

The fee is to cover the grant of a license, not the checking of a person's suitability to possess a firearm. The right is a statutory one, the existing fee pays for the actual grant (printing the license, getting it signed, posting it to you). The public safety aspect/home visit, checking medical records etc is already within the standing remit of the police and thus comes from their general funding. That is how the law was framed to fit our long existing constitution. TBH I'm straining memories of a module on policing from the last millennium, however neither the original legislation that introduced licensing or the Bill of Rights 1689 have changed of course. Bill Harriman's book on shooting law gives a full account if one is very interested.

My wife recently told me that as I'm a parent I need to make sacrifices. But then she hit the roof when she came home and saw the giant pentagram on the kitchen table and what I had done to the cat.

I just trade marked a padded bra that never loses its shape. I call it Mammary Foam®

My wife asked me to rock our baby to sleep. All I've managed to determine so far is that he's not a big Motorhead fan.

To all those people who said I'd never accomplish anything because I procrastinate too much... ...just you wait and see.

Pusser's or Woods for dark. Havana Club for light. Fuck anything else.

There's 2 typos of peoples in this world those who always noticing spelling & grammatical errands, & them who doesn't.

I've invented an Al Qaida sex doll. You take it out of the box and it blows itself up!

Badged M65s to flog, issued desert marpat.

Do you have a link at all? I haven't found one for ages (though I may not have looked for a few months, as time goes).

My neighbour said that my dog was chasing people on motorcycles. 'Bloody rubbish,' I said, 'he doesn't even have one motorcycle!'

These have been like hens' teeth for bloody ages. I hear the sound of Namsofters' wallets opening...

I found a dead frog in my pond today. He had Kermitted suicide.

I've given up my deer racing business. People kept saying that I was only in it to make a fast buck.