Tactical Pith Helmet

I've looked everywhere trying to buy an England flag for the European Championship final but I couldn't find one. In the end, I bought a French one and drew a red cross on it.

I’m not saying we live in dangerous times but the most powerful man in the world with the nuclear launch codes has dementia and mixes up Zelensky and Putin. What could possibly go wrong?

I was in a restaurant earlier when a group of electricians came in. The waiter asked if they wanted a starter. But they went straight for the mains.

Scientists have discovered a method for dealing with dyslexia. It's music to my arse!

I went out for a meal tonight. The waiter noticed that I hadn't eaten all of my chips, and said, 'Do you want a box for those?' Seeing that I'd already paid for the fuckers I put my fists up and had first swing.

It's unfair to compare the English men's and women's international football teams. More power, more strength, more skill. And in time I'm pretty sure the men will catch up...

My friend was caught climbing the fence a Glastonbury. Security pulled him down and forced him to get back in and watch Coldplay.

I asked the Geordie barber for a perm. He said "I wandered lernly as a clood....."

Had an idea that the film's dialogue was quoting a known phrase. Given that the duodecimal system is so old, I'd not be surprised if twelve jurors was a relic from well before the 17th century.

I bought 2 pints of milk in Lidl today... It was an impulse buy, I only went in for an angle grinder, a wet suit and an 18ft ladder!

England's footballers won't be voting in the general election. They can't find the box, never mind put a cross into it.

Who guessed that the hill the Tories would choose to die on would be William Hill?

We've been trying for children for the past ten years without success. Finally, out of pure frustration, my wife suggested that we might try IVF. How joining the Israeli army is going to help I don't know.

Yep, fire can cause smoke to block one's vision, firing an unmoderated rifle 10 feet from a horse rider for example also clearly would be a serious matter too. Shotgun beside a motorway would be unnoticeable, but I wouldn't like to be in the dock arguing it these days.

I was in the shower at the gym and when I came out, some idiot had stolen my trainers and hi-vis jacket! I have one thing to say to that lowlife…… you can run, but you can’t hide!

Thanks Colin, the phrase 'twelve men good and true,' from Twelve Angry Men went through my head as I was typing. Genuine Freudian slip!

Was your journey 'interrupted' by said twat, or did you merely perceive that your journey required interruption despite the lack of actual danger? I think that this is how the law was designed. It was explained to me a few years back that if one set up a pigeon shooting hide that backed onto the crash barriers of a motorway, that you would be about 50' from the centre of the highway. Some pillock could stop and report you as being a threat if they saw you. If you were shooting safely away from the highway and over 50' away, nowt the plod can do, but if closer than 50' and shooting safely then it's court and convincing 12 jurors that you posed no threat and that the reporter was incorrect in his/her/their assessment. Since Clint Eastwood has shown us all that a shotgun has an effective range of three miles and never misses, a jury may well side with the pillock rather than the pest controller these days.

The Swedish LK35 has an external frame and comes with a Molle waistbelt, all in 1000D so pretty modern I'd guess.

Nearly managed to marry my ex-wife, but she figured out that I was only after my money.

Bloody cool, but lacks a pith helmet...

The fee is to cover the grant of a license, not the checking of a person's suitability to possess a firearm. The right is a statutory one, the existing fee pays for the actual grant (printing the license, getting it signed, posting it to you). The public safety aspect/home visit, checking medical records etc is already within the standing remit of the police and thus comes from their general funding. That is how the law was framed to fit our long existing constitution. TBH I'm straining memories of a module on policing from the last millennium, however neither the original legislation that introduced licensing or the Bill of Rights 1689 have changed of course. Bill Harriman's book on shooting law gives a full account if one is very interested.

My wife recently told me that as I'm a parent I need to make sacrifices. But then she hit the roof when she came home and saw the giant pentagram on the kitchen table and what I had done to the cat.

I just trade marked a padded bra that never loses its shape. I call it Mammary Foam®