Jedi_Master

I had a one night stand with a blind female comedian last week and when I dropped my trousers she said I had the biggest dick she'd ever felt.
 
I think she was pulling my leg

Did you know Bugs bunny will not accept any Google files, he only wants to be sent WhatsApp docs.

I now identity as a donkey.
 
My pronouns are he/haw.

I went to a charity bash organised by the R.N.L.I. today.
It was amazing.
They certainly know how to push the boat out 

My local shop is selling a natural plant based alternative to vapes.
 
They're called cigarettes.   

A young man volunteers for airborne training. After one week, he phones his father.
“Dad, we had our first parachute jump today, but only about half the company jumped. The others were scared.”
Dad: “Well, did you jump?” Son: “No, I was scared.”
A week later he calls dad again “We had our second jump today. The sergeant said that anyone who didn’t jump this time would not get a pass for this weekend. All but about ten of us jumped.”
Dad: “Well, did you jump?” Son: “No, I just couldn’t”.
A week later he calls dad again “We had our third jump today. The sergeant said that anyone who didn’t jump was going to spend the weekend scrubbing the latrines with a toothbrush. Only three people didn’t jump.”
Dad: “Well, did you jump?” Son: “Nope. I’m still too scared.”
Another week goes by and he calls dad “Today was our fourth jump. The sergeant said he was gonna bend anyone who didn’t jump over the seat and screw him up the rear.”
Dad: “OK, so you jumped?” Son: “Yeah I jumped … a little … at first.”

TL:DR translation - black kid in Hackney gets upset that waving anything gun shaped about in public is likely to attract the attention of PC Dibble.
 
Another bullshit non-story being pushed to further someone's agenda.

My lad got zero for his geography and history homework, even after I helped him with it.
 
Seriously, that school is like the Swedish Inquisition!  

As suspected, both of these are scammers, gone now but not before one of them turned someone over 🤬

Hello all.
 
Apologies in advance for being brash enough to consider this "Latest News" worthy 😉
 
I am unsure that it was a sensible decision but beyond all logic I have been voted in as the new UKAPU South East/London Rep. I have been a member of UKAPU since around the time of the Pandemic, they helped me with issues importing a RIF and I bought into a gold tier membership soon after and I have been committee "adjacent" for a little while. 
 
Most of you on the forum probably know me by now! I had taken a back seat in terms of the forum recently due to the personal circumstances (Divorce, selling all but 6 rifles etc!) But I am now back for at least a little while until I leave the UK in hopefully a year or so's time. 

I tend to play in London and the Kent area more these days since moving away from Dagenham and to London bridge.

I am here to represent the players in the South East, to give advice about South East sites, listen to your issues, criticisms, complaints and suggestions for the future. 
 
I have only just been confirmed into the post and I haven't had the official email address setup so far, but I will update this forum post with those details when I have them. For now if you need anything you can just PM me here. 
 
Cheers! 
 
 

Two elderly southern widows are sitting on one of their porches talking about how good their husbands had been to them.
The first woman says, “On my first wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a gold ring.”
The second woman says (with a southern drawl), “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”
The first woman says, “On my tenth wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a diamond necklace.”
The second woman says, “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”
The first woman says, “And on my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, my husband bought me a trip around the world.”
The second woman says, “That’s niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.”
The first woman says, “And what did your husband ever buy for you?”
The second woman says, “Well, on my first wedding anniversary, my husband bought me lessons at a school of etiquette.”
The first woman says, “Lessons at a school of etiquette? Well, why in the world would he buy you something like that?”
The second woman says, “So I’d learn how to say that’s nice instead of who the fuck cares.”

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. 
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. 
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' 
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. 
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

There was a fierce battle between the Cowboys and Indians. The Indians captured one of the Cowboys and took him to their village. The Indian Chief greeted the Cowboy and told him, “You must die in three days, but you get one wish per day. What is your first wish?” The Cowboy said, “Can you bring my horse?” The Indians brought the Cowboy’s horse, and the Cowboy whispered into the horse’s ear. The horse ran off to town and came back with a beautiful blonde. The Cowboy took the blonde in a teepee and made love to her.
On the second day, the Chief told the Cowboy he must die in two days and asked what his second wish was. The Cowboy asked if they could bring his horse again. The Cowboy whispered in the horse’s ear again; the horse ran off to town and returned with a voluptuous redhead. The Cowboy took the redhead in a teepee and made love to her.
On the third day, the Chief told the Cowboy you must die today and asked him what his third wish was. The Cowboy requested his horse again. The Chief whispered under his breath, “Crazy White Man.” The Cowboy grabbed the horse by his ears, looked straight into the horse’s eyes, and said, “Read my fucking lips; I said bring Posse!”

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his: Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ..........

Without defining what a 'Wagner flag or logo' is, the opera lovers amongst us will live in fear.  Is a Ring Cycle poster/print enough to get you a spell in chokey now? 

A man is working in the fruit and veg department of his local supermarket when an old lady taps him on the shoulder and says "excuse me I can't find the broccoli, where is it?"
He replies "sorry madam we've sold out but there should be another delivery tomorrow" and she walks away. 
A few minutes later the same old lady taps him on the shoulder and asks again "where's the broccoli?". Again he tells her they've sold out but the should be a delivery tomorrow.
Another few minutes go by and once again she taps him on the shoulder and asks "where's the broccoli?" Getting annoyed he replies "can you spell cat, as in catastrophe?"
"C A T" she answers so then he asks her.
"Can you spell dog, as in dogmatic?"
"D O G" she replies.
"Now can you spell fuck, as in broccoli?" He asks.
Confused she says 
"But there's no fuck in broccoli" to which he replies
"That's what I've been telling you for the past 10 minutes"

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance.
All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says, “Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?”
“No,” said the priest, “There are no midget nuns in the church.”
A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest. Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, “Father, are there any midget nuns in the city?”
“No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church.” says the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest.
Once again, Dopey stands up and asks “Father, are there any midget nuns in the state?”
“No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church.” exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.
The dwarfs continue their interference.
Dopey stands up and asks, “Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?”
The priest, totally angered, exclaims “No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!”
Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church ...
“Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin. Dopey fucked a penguin.”

Selling multiple (bulk order) of the same gun appears to be a retail enterprise and not a normal airsoft player.

Selling multiple (bulk order) of the same gun appears to be a retail enterprise and not a normal airsoft player.

Selling multiple (bulk order) of the same gun appears to be a retail enterprise and not a normal airsoft player.

Don't "retailers" need permission to sell/advertise on here ?, rule 10 states:
Second hand airsoft-relevant items only. 
 

They're clearly not second hand as such, but if new are they offered with any warranty etc.?