Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[DanBow]

A man has thrown milk over Greta Thunberg. 

How dairy!?

Another man threw sodium chloride on her.

That's assault!

 

[Shamal]

I went for a run yesterday.I didn't intend to but the fucking ice cream van wouldn't stop!

 

[EDcase]

I went for a run yesterday.I didn't intend to but the fucking ice cream van wouldn't stop!

Was it in front or behind you? ?

 

[Shamal]

Was it in front or behind you? ?

That actually works quite well ?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I talk to my plants and they grow better.  I talk to my cows and they produce more milk.

It's in one ear and out the udder!

 

[Shamal]

"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are really odd."
 My dog's full of useful information like that.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Does anyone know how long it takes to fix a hearing aid? 

I dropped mine off two weeks ago and I've heard nothing since!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four-leaf clovers and rabbits' feet.

He was pushing his luck!

 

[Cannonfodder]

What do you get if you cross human DNA with goat DNA?

Banned from the petting zoo

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Went to the Doctors today for an examination.  'Relax and try not to become aroused Dave,' said the Dr.

Surprised as hell I answered, 'My name's not Dave.'

'I know,' said the Doc, 'I'm Dave.'

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Went to my bosses funeral today.

I knelt by the coffin and whispered, 'Who's thinking outside the box now then, Dave?'

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've lost a bit of weight recently by wearing bread on top of my head.

It's a loaf hat diet....

 

[Shamal]

Hotpoint have decided to stop selling fridges and concentrate on freezers instead. 

They announced the news at a recent ‘staycolder’ event.

 

[GenuineGerman]

What’s the difference between a marrowfat pea and a chickpea? 
 

I’ve never had a marrowfat pea in my face 

 

[Shamal]

I decided to make sure Mrs Shamal woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

I'm not allowed to have marker pens in the house anymore.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just played poker with some weed smoking cows.

It was a high steaks game!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I hear Alec Baldwin is acting in another film.

Shooting begins soon.

 

[Shamal]

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

1Forrest1

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I made a right dog's dinner of a meal today.

Then I remembered that I work in a pet food factory....

 

[Shamal]

What do you call a bee ? that can't make up it's mind.....

......a maybe.