Tell Us a Gag. Please!

I went for a run yesterday.I didn't intend to but the fucking ice cream van wouldn't stop!

 
I talk to my plants and they grow better.  I talk to my cows and they produce more milk.

It's in one ear and out the udder!

 
"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are really odd."
 My dog's full of useful information like that.

 
Went to the Doctors today for an examination.  'Relax and try not to become aroused Dave,' said the Dr.

Surprised as hell I answered, 'My name's not Dave.'

'I know,' said the Doc, 'I'm Dave.'

 
Hotpoint have decided to stop selling fridges and concentrate on freezers instead. 

They announced the news at a recent ‘staycolder’ event.

 
What’s the difference between a marrowfat pea and a chickpea? 
 

I’ve never had a marrowfat pea in my face 

 
I decided to make sure Mrs Shamal woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

I'm not allowed to have marker pens in the house anymore.

 
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

1Forrest1

 
What do you call a bee ? that can't make up it's mind.....

......a maybe.

 
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