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Tell Us a Gag. Please!

Today I married a lovely girl that works for Lidl.

As I walked her down the aisle I picked up some drill-bits and cycling socks too!

 
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. Surprised and excited I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

 
I pulled a nose hair today to see if it hurt.

Well, judging by the reaction of the guy sleeping next to me on the bus, I'm thinking fuck yes!!

 
I asked the librarian if they had any books on finding Big Foot.... 

She said.. Try the large print section.

 
Whenever I see a fire exit, I can't help myself, I dash out and then stand by the designated Fire Assembly Point. I suffer from premature evacuation.

 
So I said to the vicar: "This is a lovely old church vicar".
He said: "It's Norman". 
I said: "Oh right, this is a lovely old church Norman".

 
I’ve started a business recycling chewing gum...

but I’m having trouble getting it off the ground.

 
My wife and I are a match made in heaven .... I have a 9" penis and she doesn't know how to use a ruler.

 
My wife and I are a match made in heaven .... I have a 9" penis and she doesn't know how to use a ruler.


I was talking to a guy who said his wife is an angel. You're lucky I said, mine's still alive!

 
My Wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. I was so irritated I packed up my stuff and right.

 
Chap knocked on the door last night asking for donations for the new local swimming pool.

I was very generous and gave him two pints of water.

 
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