Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

You can swim with dolphins for free.

Swimming with sharks costs an arm and a leg...

 

[Cannonfodder]

Swimming with sharks costs an arm and a leg...

Well for many it's a once in a lifetime event 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Cigarettes are like weasels.

Both are completely harmless until you put them in your mouth and set fire to them.

 

[Shamal]

Feeling rather sad today as my clothes horse has finally broken beyond repair after I've had it 25 years....Its the end of an Airer.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've lost several pairs of shoes.

I've a lot of sole searching to do.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My granddad remembers, 'Fighting them on the beaches.'

Lovely man, but a very short fused deckchair attendant.

 

[Shamal]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says,

"every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells

'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

 

[Shamal]

I recently bought a new toilet brush.

Long story short; I'm going back to paper.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The Daleks: horrible beings devoid of all emotions but hate.

They're like Piers Morgan on wheels.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Unfortunately this years charity Pantomime for the local Paranoia Society has been cancelled.

During the first performance proceedings descended into chaos when somebody shouted, 'He's behind you.......'

 

[Shamal]

They’re now employing bouncers at Greg’s, I suppose it’s to keep out the unsavory’s.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I won a competition for Heston Blumenthal to cook at my house using only ingredients I had at home.

It was amazing, we had a fantastic Vietnamese coconut curry with lime and coriander foam, mint and teatree jelly, cocoa shea butter sabayon and finished with a frozen lemon and ginseng tea.

In the morning the wife said all her toiletries had gone and one of the cats was missing.

 

[Shamal]

Solar power is the future...

But, it won't happen overnight.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What's green and fuzzy, with four legs, and can kill you if it falls from a tree?

A pool table.

 

[Shamal]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that!!??"

“Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

“Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

“I can understand that" replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

“Ours is prettier," she replies.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Uncle Bob went on a blind date last night,

It didn't start that way...

But she had pepper spray

 

[Shamal]

A skeleton walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint of lager and a mop.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Paul Simon has opened a cat sanctuary.

Its called 'Feline Groovy.'*

*I know, I'm really sorry(ish) ?

 

[Shamal]

A pair of Peruvian owls have been introduced at Marwell zoo.  They had to have two of them due to them hunting in pairs, that’s because they’re Inca hoots.

Paul Simon has opened a cat sanctuary.

Its called 'Feline Groovy.'*

*I know, I'm really sorry(ish) ?

That's wasted on the young ?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

How do you make a bear cross?

Nail two bears together.