Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

A young woman enters an overcrowded city bus.

She stands next to a middle-aged man who is sitting and asks him : “Sir, would you mind giving your seat to a pregnant woman?”

The man obliges despite the fact that she shows no obvious sign of pregnancy.

After she is seated the man asks “Pardon me young lady but how far along are you?”

She replies “About 30 minutes and I'm still quite wobbly on my feet".

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

If you hold the sole of your foot to your ear, you can hear the sound of a hip dislocating!

 

[Shamal]

Two people were admitted to hospital last night after eating lasagne made with 100% horsemeat.

A hospital spokesman said today that they were stable, although they both had the trots....

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Don't know why they call them 'sausage dogs.'  

They taste more like chicken to me...

 

[Shamal]

I made soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere...

It was a broth of fresh air.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I made soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere...

It was a broth of fresh air.

FFFFFFS!!!   ?

The doctor's put me on an all almond diet.

I said to him, 'That's just nuts!'  

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My Dad always said, 'Don't ever give up on your dreams'.

'Just go back to bed.'

 

[Shamal]

I’ve just bought some new state-of-the-art gardening equipment that makes the boundaries of my property look really neat and tidy. It uses cutting hedge technology.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

You know what really floats my boat?

Archimedes principle of relative buoyancy...

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife asked why I keep drying grapes all over the house. 

I told her that I have my raisins.  

 

[Shamal]

My wife asked why I keep drying grapes all over the house. 

I told her that I have my raisins.  

?

 

[_K4MF_]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

 

 

[Shamal]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.

 

Good one...it never gets old. ??

 

[Cannonfodder]

Good one...it never gets old. ??

Like an anti vaxxers kids 

 

[_K4MF_]

Like an anti vaxxers kids 

Still as fresh as the day it was first made.... Much like Anne Frank's drum kit. 

 

[Shamal]

Propaganda. 
Is that a good look for Londoners?

 

[Tackle]

Propaganda. 
Is that a good look for Londoners?

View attachment 124428

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

See also:

Jargon: a man from Norfolk running down the road in a tracksuit.

Propaganda. 
Is that a good look for Londoners?

 

[Shamal]

Cooking advice. Can anyone help me, I put vegetables in my multi cooker and selected the cake option.  When it was done, they were still vegetables.  So what am I doing wrong?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A man has thrown milk over Greta Thunberg. 

How dairy!?