Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Today I married a lovely girl that works for Lidl.

As I walked her down the aisle I picked up some drill-bits and cycling socks too!

 

[_K4MF_]

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. Surprised and excited I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

 

[Shamal]

I pulled a nose hair today to see if it hurt.

Well, judging by the reaction of the guy sleeping next to me on the bus, I'm thinking fuck yes!!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Asked my wife if she'd do karaoke with me.

She wouldn't duet...

 

[Shamal]

I asked the librarian if they had any books on finding Big Foot.... 

She said.. Try the large print section.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

It's sad. 9 out of 10 people who have fears about hurdles never get over them.

 

[Shamal]

Whenever I see a fire exit, I can't help myself, I dash out and then stand by the designated Fire Assembly Point. I suffer from premature evacuation.

 

[_K4MF_]

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I bought some new shoes today.

One of them is not right.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Masturbators Anonymous has started meeting in our village hall.

I was surprised at how many people came.

 

[Shamal]

So I said to the vicar: "This is a lovely old church vicar".
He said: "It's Norman". 
I said: "Oh right, this is a lovely old church Norman".

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I don't know.  Donate a kidney and you're a hero.

Donate half a dozen and the police kick your door down...

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm not saying Stoke on Trent is rough, but the local shops put steal by dates on all the food.

 

[Shamal]

I’ve started a business recycling chewing gum...

but I’m having trouble getting it off the ground.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I went to a French restaurant tonight, but the staff gave me the crepes.  

 

[Madhouse]

My wife and I are a match made in heaven .... I have a 9" penis and she doesn't know how to use a ruler.

 

[DanBow]

My wife and I are a match made in heaven .... I have a 9" penis and she doesn't know how to use a ruler.

I was talking to a guy who said his wife is an angel. You're lucky I said, mine's still alive!

 

[_K4MF_]

My Wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. I was so irritated I packed up my stuff and right.

 

[Shamal]

Chap knocked on the door last night asking for donations for the new local swimming pool.

I was very generous and gave him two pints of water.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just discovered that my universal remote control doesn't control the universe at all.

Not even remotely!