Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I asked my mate Bo what it's like living in North Korea. 

He said he can't complain.   

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

"You've been late for work three times this week. Do you know what that means?"

"It's Wednesday?"

 

[Shamal]

My boss said "you should of been here at eight" 

"Why what happened?" Said I 

"You will have to work on for an extra hour" 

" No I wouldn't like to be late twice in one day" I said.

Anyone need a builder?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Flop.

 

[Shamal]

Passed an AA man in a lay-by today, slumped over the wheel and sobbing his heart out.

I thought, he's heading for a breakdown

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I went to an AA meeting once.  I was disgusted to discover that all of them were alcoholics.  

I cancelled my membership and joined the RAC instead!

 

[Shamal]

RAC are worse.

Raging Alcoholic Club.they actually drive you to drink lol

 

[Madhouse]

Went for a curry the other day, when ordering the waiter suggested I try a Chicken Tarka. I asked what it was like and he said it was similar to a Chicken Tikka, but just a little otter.

(fully accept that some of our younger members may need to use google to 'get' this one) ?

 

[Shamal]

My front door is alarmed after 5pm.

Before that it's just generally anxious.

 

[Cannonfodder]

Went for a curry the other day, when ordering the waiter suggested I try a Chicken Tarka. I asked what it was like and he said it was similar to a Chicken Tikka, but just a little otter.

(fully accept that some of our younger members may need to use google to 'get' this one) ?

Click to shrink...

View attachment 98486

And now I feel really fucking old 

 

[concretesnail]

Went for a curry the other day, when ordering the waiter suggested I try a Chicken Tarka. I asked what it was like and he said it was similar to a Chicken Tikka, but just a little otter.

(fully accept that some of our younger members may need to use google to 'get' this one) ?

Click to shrink...

Another older member here.

 

[Shamal]

I called the RSPCA and told them there was a weasel hanging off my ceiling fan, but the person on the other end of the phone didn't believe me so I told them
'You'll just have to take my whirred ferret. ?

Yes I know...I'll get my coat.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My pet rat has a wooden leg. 

He's a pi-rat.  

 

[Shamal]

My pet rat has a wooden leg. 

He's a pi-rat.  

Click to shrink...

I'll let you have that one on account of my ferret offering. But really?? ?

Don’t you just hate it when you want to give someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and as soon as you do….
….. she’s not your friend anymore!!?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Two mice are walking down the pavement.

A beautiful woman passes them. The first mouse says “Wow! Did you see the ass on her?!” The other mouse responds “It was nice, but I’m a titmouse myself.”

 

[Madhouse]

What’s the best cheese for hiding horses?

Mascarpone

 

[Shamal]

What’s the best cheese for hiding horses?

Mascarpone

Click to shrink...

Somebody's opening the crackers early! ?

 

[Shamal]

Last night my wife started saying that in 1892, she had written the Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings.

Yes she was Tolkien in her sleep again.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Uncle Bob 'I saw a flock of cows today.'

Aunt Janet: 'Herd of cows.'

Uncle Bob 'Of course I have.  They go moo.'

 

[Shamal]

I used to date an algebra teacher.  I never could quite work her out, though.  I guess that’s y she’s my x