Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[The Waco Kid]

I thought I’d do something different today.

So I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He was not pleased

Frankly Boyle never is.

 

[Shamal]

Bit long this one.

So granny is 88 and still driving.She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a

'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a

thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,

and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking toward me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, grandma.. ?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Jesus Christ was going to be called Gary, but Mary stubbed her toe.  

 

[Cannonfodder]

What do the films Titanic and Sixth Sense have in common? 

Icey dead people 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A policeman asked why a little girl was crying.

'I've lost me mum,' says the girl.

'What's she like?' he says, full of concern.

'Cock and vodka...'

 

[Shamal]

Henry VIII had six wives.
Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Anne of Cleeves, Katherine Howard, Katherine Parr and Jane…See more

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I remember Steve's face as he came out of the room.   'It's a boy. It's a boy!' he yelled. 

We've not been back to Thailand since. 

 

[Shamal]

A Priest kept chickens in his village.

 One evening the cock went missing.

At the church mass prayer gathering, the priest asked, - "Who has a cock?"

All the men got up.

"No, I meant who has seen a cock?"

...All the women got up.

"No, No, Who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?"

...Half the women got up.

"Oh, for Heaven's sake, Who has seen my cock?".

All the nuns got up

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A young nun is in the bath wjen there's a knock at the door.

'Who is it?' she asks.

'The blind man, I need to come in.' comes the reply.

'OK,' she says.

The man enters and stares at her.  'Nice tits!  Where do you want these blinds?'

 

[Shamal]

Today I bought myself some sensible walking boots and a rucksack and went up to the Lake District, walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall and had a flask of coffee. Then I walked another 5 miles and had a biscuit and then I...
Sorry, I'm rambling...!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My likes include eating my family and not using commas. 

 

[Shamal]

My likes include eating my family and not using apostrophes. 

Nor,indeed,commas.lol?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. 

He's Espaniol.       

 

[Shamal]

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish. 

He's Espaniol.       

FFS. 

?

 

[Shamal]

The internet connection around here recently has been a bit sketchy, so I moved the modem down the road to where they keep those horses.

Now I have stable WiFi.?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Had to call an ambulance today.  A woman was unconscious on the luggage carousel of our local airport. 

'Tell me if she comes around,' said the operator.

'She does about every five minutes,' I replied. 

 

[Shamal]

Research has proven that if your parents didn’t have any children then you won’t either

 

[Shamal]

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

"I wish to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after the house of commons is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests.

"You crafty fucker!" Replied the Fairy.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

French fries aren't fried in France.

They're fried in grease.  

 

[Cannonfodder]

My hamster broke its leg so I made it a splint from matches. His face lit up when he started walking again