Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'We'd like to stay in the bridal suite,' the honeymooners said at the reception desk.

'Do you have reservations?' asked the receptionist.

'Yes, I'm worried about taking it up the arse,' replied the bride.

 

[Shamal]

They say that 50 is the new 30, but one traffic officer begged to differ and I ended up with 3 points on my driving licence

'We'd like to stay in the bridal suite,' the honeymooners said at the reception desk.

'Do you have reservations?' asked the receptionist.

'Yes, I'm worried about taking it up the arse,' replied the bride.

Well I think it's funny.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I just got the sack as a set designer.

I left without making a scene.

 

[Shamal]

I was queueing at the bus stop this morning and mentioned to a young girl,
'Chilly isn't it?"

She replied   'Winter draws on'

To which I said 'That is absolutely none of your business you cheeky girl!”

Youth today, tsk

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'I told everyone that the Titanic would sink,' said Grandfather.

'I shouted it out loud, but no one listened.'

'I got chucked out of the cinema too...'

 

[Shamal]

Aren’t animals amazing. 
I just passed the hospital and there was a sign saying ‘Guard dogs operate at this hospital

 

[Skullchewer]

Speaking of animals, what's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is pretty heavy but the other is a little lighter.

 

[Tackle]

Speaking of animals, what's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is pretty heavy but the other is a little lighter.

LOL, it was funnier the first time we heard it, a couple of pages back?

 

[Skullchewer]

Damnit! Fuck you and your functioning memory, Tackle!

 

[Shamal]

LOL, it was funnier the first time we heard it, a couple of pages back?

That's true ?

 

[Tackle]

Damnit! Fuck you and your functioning memory, Tackle!

It's a rare thing given the average age on here ?

View attachment 96866

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm not saying the bloke that runs out local Aldi is thick but, when I asked if they could open Till 3, the manager replied.. " We're already open till 10 most nights. "

 

[Shamal]

Age old question. I have just discovered a McDonald’s that does an all day breakfast menu, alongside its normal menu.  So I put in two orders, with one I ordered the egg McMuffin and for my second order I requested the Mcchicken sandwich.  I shall therefore let you know…..

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I accidentally swallowed some maggots whilst fishing today.

Now I'm sat in A&E waiting with baited breath. 

 

[Shamal]

I’ve got two spare tickets to the Prune Juice festival for anyone that’s not going?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A bad electrician charges the earth.

 

[Shamal]

Well,stone the crows!

I’m in trouble with the RSPB again.

 

[Skullchewer]

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon, it’s not the end of the world.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Marvin Gaye kept a sheep in my vineyard. 

He'd herd it through the grapevine. 

 

[Skullchewer]

Did blindfolded archery the other day, you should try it, you don't know what you're missing!