Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've got some glove puppets going if anyone's interested.  

I don't want much for them.  I just want them off my hands.

 

[AirSniper]

 

[Shamal]

I rescued a kitten this morning while a man dressed head to toe in pancakes stood by and did nothing. Not all heroes wear crepes.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

When I was just 16 my parents died and left me an orphan.  It was devastating.

I'd rather have had the house.

 

[Shamal]

My tumble dryer door keeps popping open on its own.I'm getting fed up with it.

If it does it again I'm throwing the towel in!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Edward Snowden is celebrating being granted Russian citizenship today.

He won't be when his call up papers arrive.

 

[Skullchewer]

I've been gone so long I can't be arsed to scroll back and see if this gag has been told already....

I lent my girlfriend £100

A few years later we broke up

She paid me back exactly £100

I lost interest in that relationship

 

[Skullchewer]

My four year old son has been learning Spanish and still can’t say the word for please, I think that’s very poor for four.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A guy goes into a café near the Arctic Circle and asks a waiter what's on the menu.

The waiter says: 'we have whale meat, whale meat and whale meat.  And today's special is the Vera Lynn.' 

'What's that?' asks the guy.

'Whale meat again,' says the waiter.

 

[Shamal]

A guy goes into a café near the Arctic Circle and asks a waiter what's on the menu.

The waiter says: 'we have whale meat, whale meat and whale meat.  And today's special is the Vera Lynn.' 

'What's that?' asks the guy.

'Whale meat again,' says the waiter.

The old ones are the best ?

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"

Everyone in the pub stops and stares.

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."

To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean £200 for a blow job! 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I used to go out with a foot fetishist.

She really loved me; said I had a 'beautiful sole.'  

 

[Shamal]

I was walking behind a lady last night.She began walking faster and faster so I did,

she started running so I did

she started screaming so I did.

I don't know what we were running from

but I was terrified.

 

[Skullchewer]

Me: Our kids were arrested for setting a car on fire.

Wife: Arson??

Me: And our daughter too.

 

[Shamal]

I was at a climbing centre yesterday, but someone had removed all of the toe-hold grips from the wall.
Honestly, you couldn't make it up.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm sure that my dad is looking down at us, wherever he is now. 

He's not dead, just very condescending. 

 

[Skullchewer]

How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not a lot, they’re pretty light

 

[Skullchewer]

Can't believe people are setting of fireworks already! It's so early!

My cat was so scared it ran up the Christmas tree.

 

[Shamal]

A man was help in police custody yesterday for eating fireworks in public. 

Eventually they let him off.

Another man, held for drinking battery acid, was charged.

 

[Skullchewer]

Someone pushed in front of me in the queue! Look out my friend, I’m after you now!

 

[Skullchewer]

Okay, not technically a joke, but something that happened at work...

Guy brings his car in with a list of issues he'd like looking at. Amongst the issues:

"Rear doors can't be opened from the inside".

Guess what?

Uh-huh.

CHILD LOCK.

Located on the driver door by the window controls.

??