Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My therapist says that a problem shared is a hundred quid.  

 

[Shamal]

When the doctor told me that he'd messed up my operation, my heart was in my mouth.?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

When the doctor told me that he'd messed up my operation, my heart was in my mouth.?

I almost put a sad emoji to that one.  I laughed and then felt my heart in my mouth at the very thought for God's sake!  ?

 

[Skullchewer]

I told my girlfriend there’s only one thing that scares me about Halloween, she said “which is?” I said exactly!

 

[Shamal]

Scientists have grown human vocal cords from stem cells in the laboratory.

The results speak for themselves.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

If you want to play a real life version of Pac-Man then go to DFS and try and avoid the salesman.

 

[Skullchewer]

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go around the earth, after 24 hours they decided to call it a day.

 

[Shamal]

I was intending to publish my book about the "Black Death" until I got accused of plaguerism

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Elvis my pet mouse has died.

He was caught in a trap. 

 

[Madhouse]

When poor dolphins die they're given a porpoise funeral.

 

[Tackle]

The guys at the Christmas cracker factory are gonna be all over this thread looking for new material. 

Not joking lol ?

 

[Adolf Hamster]

Not joking lol 

Tbf, neither is anyone else in this thread.....

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I used to work in a factory that made abacuses.

I found it very counterproductive.

 

[Shamal]

An actor gets out of brand new Porsche, a lorry racing by takes the door clean off. “my Porsche, my lovely Porsche”, screams the actor. A police officer arrives & says “I can't believe you, your so focused on your possessions you haven't even noticed your right arm has been ripped off". The actor looks down & screams “oh no, my lovely Rolex".

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I see that Matt Hancock is going on a reality TV show.

Following his example Lizz Truss is to appear on I'm a Calamity Get Me Out of Here. 

 

[Shamal]

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood.
The nurse asked the rabbit: "What's your blood type?"
"I'm probably a Type O", said the rabbit.

 

[Skullchewer]

Your mums so ugly your dad wakes up with morning wouldn't.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I wasn't particularly close to my Aunt Sheila who died recently.

It was lucky as she was hit by a bus.  

 

[Tackle]

View attachment 97480

 

[Shamal]

View attachment 97480

Haha. I done that one about a year ago ??

But good to hear it again ?