Tell Us a Gag. Please!

The Metropolitan Police have identified over two hundred hardened Albanian criminals living in London.  Many have committed terrible crimes.

A spokesman said that having discovered them, they planned to start recruiting them from next week.

 
Wanted: someone to brush their teeth with me, because 9/10 dentists say brushing alone won't help tooth decay.
No weirdos

 
Just watched the film 'Aluminium Man.'  It's a bit like Iron Man.  He foils all of the baddies plans.  

 
Just went into the kitchen.  The bread was reading John-Paul Satre, the beans were discussing ontology with the spuds.  The pasta was reciting Mallarme poems.

I think they're all complex carbs.  

 
Something has been playing on my mind recently.

When I opened a can of evaporated milk it was still all there so I opened a can of condensed milk but it was the same size as the can?

I'm not trying to milk this btw.

 
I had a happy childhood. 

My dad used to put me in a stack of tyres and roll me down a hill. 

They were Goodyears.  

 
Tactical Pith Helmet said:
I had a happy childhood. 

My dad used to put me in a stack of tyres and roll me down a hill. 

They were Goodyears.  
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I had my leg X-rayed yesterday the doctor said: 'Your patella measures 2.54cm'.
I said: 'Inch-high knees?'

He said: '您的髌骨是2.54厘米高

 
I thought I’d do something different today.

So I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He was not pleased

 
Breaking news!
Man shot 200 times with an upholstery gun.
Surgeons say he's fully recovered.

 
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