Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Rickwales]

Duck walks into a bar, goes over to the counter and asks the barman "have you got any bread?" 

The barman says "no"

The duck says "have you got any bread?" 

The barman says "no"

The duck says "have you got any bread?

The duck says again "have you got any bread?"

The barman angrily replies        "look mate I told you we haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar"

The duck says have you got any nails?" 

The barman says "no"

The duck says, "have you got any bread?"

 

[Tackle]

Duck walks into a bar, goes over to the counter and asks the barman "have you got any bread?" 

The barman says "no"

The duck says "have you got any bread?" 

The barman says "no"

The duck says "have you got any bread?

The duck says again "have you got any bread?"

The barman angrily replies        "look mate I told you we haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar"

The duck says have you got any nails?" 

The barman says "no"

The duck says, "have you got any bread?"

Click to shrink...

The old ones are the best

 

[Rickwales]

I have a lot sicker ones... 

 

[Dogsbody100]

Bloke goes into a pub with a pie on his head. 

The barmans curiosity gets the better of him and he asks “ere mate, do you know you’ve got a pie on your head?”

”Yeah, course I do, I always go to the pub on a Tuesday with a pie on me head”

”Oh” says the barman, “you know it’s Thursday don’t you mate?” 
 

“What?!” Says the bloke “you’re joking! I must be looking a right twat” 

 

[Cannonfodder]

The first condom was invented in Cardiff in 1859 and was made from sheep intestines.

They didn't become popular though for another 4 years after an Englishman decided to take the intestines out of the sheep 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The bloke who invented the speedboat has died.

His funeral is tomorrow; followed by a wake.

 

[HZR13]

one you've all heard before... What's an airsofter's favorite type of music? Pop! Because that’s the sound of a BB hitting the target

 

[Cannonfodder]

Feeling hungover after Christmas and need to vomit but can't? Here's a tip

Shove a finger down your throat and one up your arse.

If this doesn't work swap fingers

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was taking the piss out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on today.

He had the last laugh though. Sentenced me to 6 months.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't sneak up,
On Oscar Pistorius

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The Royal Family are said to be devastated after Prince Andrew's car crash next Wednesday.

 

[John_W]

In an effort to crack down on small boats crossing the Channel, the government is to replace Border Force with Doctor's Receptionists...

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was in my local enjoying a pint when another punter’s dog jumped up onto the bar, got hold of my hat in its jaws and ripped it to shreds.
“ Did you see what your dog did “ I complained to the owner ?
“ I couldn’t give a fuck “ came the reply .
“ So that’s your attitude is it “ ?
“ No, it’s your hat he chewed “

 

[Cannonfodder]

I'm thinking of suing my Dr. He told me after a vasectomy I wouldn't have kids anymore. Imagine how shocked I was when I got home to find the little shits were still there

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm having a load of rabbits tattoo'd on my head.

At a distance, it'll look like I still have hares.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.

She's got a point, I suppose...

I work in a hammer factory.

 

[Puttees445]

I'm helping my mate baby proof his house.

Don't think we're doing it right though.

They keep getting in.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife noticed that I only seem to get sick on workdays.

Told her it's my weekend immune system...

 

[Cannonfodder]

I named my car tyres after the wife. That way they'll never go down

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My therapist told me to write letters to the people that I don't like and then burn them.

I've done as she said, but where do I send the letters?