Tell Us a Gag. Please!

I was having a meal in an Indian restaurant. I was just finishing up and thinking about getting the bill when this little old lady came up to my table. She said: “You are such a lovely boy, with beautiful manners. You are a credit to your mum and dad.” Then off she toddled.

I said to the waiter: Excuse me, but who was that?

He said: Ah yes sir: that’s your complimentary nan…

 
Seeing as a lot of people on here like gadgets I thought I would tell you about my latest gadget for the kitchen.

When you use it,it plays Nocturne number 2 in E flat major.

Yes it's a Chopin board.

 
Life's like a box of chocolates.

It doesn't last as long for fat people. 

 
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I’ve bought a beehive, 5 chickens and a cockerel.....
That way I can get my honey for nothing and my chicks for free.

 
My wife is fed up of my wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "What can I do to stop?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

 
My mother’s sisters often stay up all night  and light candles in support of social causes. My siblings consider them vigil aunties.

 
I broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store. Now...
I’m stuck between a dock and a card place

 
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I hear that killer whales have been attacking yachts off Portugal. Some scientists have said these attacks are random..I say they are orcastrated.

 
For sale..

90's iconic Sooty and Sweep puppets.

Any offer accepted.

Just want them off my hands.

 
My Uncle David has moved to Moss Side.  It's not as rough or deprived as people say apparently.  He quickly found a job. 

He's rear gunner on the number six bus.   

 
A massive congratulations to Hugh Zapritti Boyden for being voted chairman of the budgerigar appreciation society.

 
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