Tell Us a Gag. Please!

1971:  A man goes into a tailor's shop in Birmingham to buy a new suit.  After going through all the usual choices, he settles on a nice single breasted two-button charcoal grey one with a single vent and three buttons on each sleeve.

The salesman then persuades him to add a shirt, one with a complementary stripe and then he asks, how about we finish it all off with a nice kipper tie? 

'That would be lovely,' replies the man, 'milk and two sugars please.'

 
Asked my girlfriend why she broke up with me. She said there were 14 reasons, plus my obsession with tennis.

I said that's 15, love.

 
 




A young man volunteers for airborne training. After one week, he phones his father.

“Dad, we had our first parachute jump today, but only about half the company jumped. The others were scared.”

Dad: “Well, did you jump?” Son: “No, I was scared.”

A week later he calls dad again “We had our second jump today. The sergeant said that anyone who didn’t jump this time would not get a pass for this weekend. All but about ten of us jumped.”

Dad: “Well, did you jump?” Son: “No, I just couldn’t”.

A week later he calls dad again “We had our third jump today. The sergeant said that anyone who didn’t jump was going to spend the weekend scrubbing the latrines with a toothbrush. Only three people didn’t jump.”

Dad: “Well, did you jump?” Son: “Nope. I’m still too scared.”

Another week goes by and he calls dad “Today was our fourth jump. The sergeant said he was gonna bend anyone who didn’t jump over the seat and screw him up the rear.”

Dad: “OK, so you jumped?” Son: “Yeah I jumped … a little … at first.”

 
I asked this elderly man why he was using two massive frozen chips as walking sticks.

He replied: “They’re McCains!”

 
We didn't have much as kids but I remember one birthday was spent down the launderette.

The highlight of the day was playing pass the Persil.

 
A wife sends her husband an SMS on a cold winter evening:

"Windows frozen".

The husband sent an answer back:

"Pour some warm water over them".

Sometime later husband receives an answer from his wife:

"The computer is completely fucked now"

 
2 middle aged women are having lunch and discussing ways the beat the aging process. One says "I'm having a boob job"

The other says "I'm getting my arsehole bleached"

The first replies "really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde"

 
I’ve just realised, I have one pair of running shoes but unfortunately I also own sixteen pairs of eating ones.

 
 



One evening, Jesus walks into a flash restaurant with his 12 disciples following him in.

The Maitre D greets him and says:

“Good evening sir, how can we help you today?”

Jesus responds:

“Yes, we’d like a table for 26 please”

The Maitre D looks confused for a second, before gathering his composure:

“But sir, there are only 13 of you?”

Jesus responds:

“Ahh, yes…. but we’re all going to sit on one side of the table”.
 
I went to a charity bash organised by the R.N.L.I. today.

It was amazing.

They certainly know how to push the boat out 

 
I'm going to write a book about all the things I should've done with my life

It'll be my oughtabiography

 
Little known fact that bees were the last to emerge from Noah's ark, because he kept them in the ark hives.

 
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