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Tell Us a Gag. Please!

I just read about a way to make cheese and wine parties much more appealing.

Apparently you do away with the cheese, and the guests!

 
While booing and jeering is encouraged at a pantomime, I discovered it's not encouraged at a nursery school nativity ☹️

 
Bit long but persevere lol.
Merry Christmas everybody

An Aussie named Bazza wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain', and he hands Bazza a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Shazza, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.                
Just before they enter the house, Shazza stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. '
No problem,' he says…
And in they go. Bazza is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.  In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.  Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.  As dinner progresses, Bazza decides to take advantage of the situation.  He leans over and kisses Shazza.  No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and takes her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mum. She's got a great body too. Bazza grabs mum, bends her over the table, pulls down her knickers, and turns her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Bazza sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & mum is beaming from ear to ear.
But still....Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain..
Bazza remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket..
Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the bloody dishes!!"

 
I bought some new bed sheets which says on the packaging it helps you sleep like a baby and they weren't wrong. 

Last night I shit myself and woke up screaming every 3 hours 

 
In this season of celebration, Jesus was born weighing exactly 8lbs 6oz.   How did they know that?

Because they had a weigh in a manger.

 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely, Are my test results back?" 

 
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When I woke up this morning I burst out laughing.

I think I must have slept funny.

 
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..."

Mickey replied,

"I didn't say she was mentally insane,

I said that she's fucking goofy!"

 
Decided, for the first time, to try the January sales and it's doing my head in!

Went to Boots, they don't sell boots..

Went to Currys, they don't sell curry..

Went to Selfridges, they don't sell fridges..

As for Virgin Megastore, what a let down that was!

 
Binfluencer (noun): Person who puts the right bin out on the right day, letting everyone else on the street know which bin to take out.

Particularly useful over Christmas and New Year when no one knows what day it is.

 
Binfluencer (noun): Person who puts the right bin out on the right day, letting everyone else on the street know which bin to take out.

Particularly useful over Christmas and New Year when no one knows what day it is.
That's very true.

 
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