Tell Us a Gag. Please!

I did 6 pints yesterday and I got home in a bit of a state.  My wife saw what I was like and yelled at me, ”if you can’t do it in moderation you need to stop giving blood.

 
What are you if you drive a Subaru backwards?

U r a bus

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Because Ken came in a different box.

 
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[SIZE=0.9375rem]A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...[/SIZE]
[SIZE=0.9375rem]"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says. The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."[/SIZE]



[SIZE=0.9375rem]"Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.[/SIZE]



[SIZE=0.9375rem]"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks. "Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."[/SIZE]



[SIZE=0.9375rem]"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" "Rustling," says the bartender.....
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[/SIZE]
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I’m writing down a list of all the things I want to do, it’s my oughtobiography.  Which then got me thinking, do florists do the same and have a bouquet list?

 
When parents say to kids "Go to your room & think about what you've done," it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult.

 
Creating a password... ? ? ?️ ?

cabbage

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

1 boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

50fuckingboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.

50FUCKINGboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively.

50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

NowlAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArselfYou DontGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, that password is already in use

 
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!

 
My friends are organising a joint Chinese New Year and Burns night.  It's going to be called Chinese Burns Night...

I don't want to go but they're twisting my arm.........

 
I've been looking around for a specific torrent of an old film for years, all I could really find were shitty webrips at 720p. A friend let me know he found the file on a private tracker, but he can't upload it. He shipped it to me via cargo ship and it's taking FUCKING AGES to arrive, over 3 months now. I really don't like pier to pier file sharing.

 
I won 2nd prize in a competition, they gave me a map of the night sky.
It was a constellation prize

 
'Get your coat on, I'm going to the pub,' said Uncle Bob.

'Are you treating me?' replied Aunt Sheila.

'No,' said Bob, 'I'm turning the heating off.'

 
My German sister in law asked me for a gin and tonic.  

'Dry?' I asked her.

'No,' she said, 'I only want one.'

 
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. 

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. 

 
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