Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
Male bees die after mating.
That's it. Their whole life.
Honey
Nut
Cheerio...
That's it. Their whole life.
Honey
Nut
Cheerio...
-
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Tell Us a Gag. Please!
- Thread starter Shamal
- Start date
Shamal
AF-UK patch owner
- Aug 2, 2020
- 2,830
- 2,878
- Thread starter
- #1,022
An old woman is riding in a lift in a very lavish London building when a young and beautiful woman gets into the lift, smelling of an expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and say arrogantly, "Romance, by Ralph Lauren, £150 an ounce!" Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the lift, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No 5, £200 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get out of the lift. Before she exits, she looks at both beautiful women, bends over slightly, passes wind and says, "Broccoli, 49 pence a pound.
Cannonfodder
Members
- Aug 10, 2020
- 3,460
- 5,393
Often people are shocked when they find out I'm not a qualified electrician
Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
I've just bought a young Eastern European frog.
He's a bit Bulgarian, a bit Russian and a tad Pole.
He's a bit Bulgarian, a bit Russian and a tad Pole.
Shamal
AF-UK patch owner
- Aug 2, 2020
- 2,830
- 2,878
- Thread starter
- #1,025
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."
Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
A lorry load of ballroom dancing equipment has been spilled all over the M3.
Police are advising drivers to go slow, slow, quick, quick, slow.
Police are advising drivers to go slow, slow, quick, quick, slow.
Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
What's got fifty legs and flies?
The bins behind our local vets...
The bins behind our local vets...
Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
Saw the terrible news story about the man who drowned in a giant vat of coffee today.
Apparently it was instant.
Apparently it was instant.
gavinkempsell
AF-UK patch owner
- Mar 7, 2023
- 1,205
- 1,173
courtesy of reddit...
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too, is wearing no undies.
"You woman of mine! You've no knickers on. Why not?", asked Patrick.
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.
"Fur Jake's sake, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?", Duncan inquired.
She too explains, "You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae afford any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fur the love 'o decency, here's a comb... Tidy yerself up a bit."
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too, is wearing no undies.
"You woman of mine! You've no knickers on. Why not?", asked Patrick.
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.
"Fur Jake's sake, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?", Duncan inquired.
She too explains, "You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae afford any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fur the love 'o decency, here's a comb... Tidy yerself up a bit."
Shamal
AF-UK patch owner
- Aug 2, 2020
- 2,830
- 2,878
- Thread starter
- #1,036
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.
One week later, Australia’s Northern Territory Times reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless".
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.
One week later, Australia’s Northern Territory Times reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless".
Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
Russia:
2021 - 2nd best army in the world
2022 - 2nd best army in Ukraine
2023 - 2nd best army in Russia
2021 - 2nd best army in the world
2022 - 2nd best army in Ukraine
2023 - 2nd best army in Russia
Shamal
AF-UK patch owner
- Aug 2, 2020
- 2,830
- 2,878
- Thread starter
- #1,038
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
A few days later, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
"Put them between my legs," she said, "they'll warm up."
The next day, the young couple is riding in the buggy again when he says, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter figures to use the same method as yesterday and says, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." He did, and his nose quickly warmed up.
Again, the next day, they were driving and he told her, "My penis is frozen solid."
She once again, gave her standard advice. Later that day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her Mother.
She asked, "Mother, have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned Mother replied, "Sure, but why do you ask?"
The daughter answered, "Well, I just wondered......do they always make such a big mess when they thaw out?"
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
A few days later, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
"Put them between my legs," she said, "they'll warm up."
The next day, the young couple is riding in the buggy again when he says, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter figures to use the same method as yesterday and says, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." He did, and his nose quickly warmed up.
Again, the next day, they were driving and he told her, "My penis is frozen solid."
She once again, gave her standard advice. Later that day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her Mother.
She asked, "Mother, have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned Mother replied, "Sure, but why do you ask?"
The daughter answered, "Well, I just wondered......do they always make such a big mess when they thaw out?"
Skullchewer
AF-UK patch owner
- Oct 12, 2020
- 882
- 1,882
I’ve had trouble sleeping lately, all I do is sit up all night eating snacks, went to the docs about it and I’ve been told I’ve got insomnomnomnomnomnia
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