Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Bumped into Elvis today in B&Q.

He returned a sander. 

 

[Shamal]

Bumped into Elvis today in B&Q.

He returned a sander. 

Took me a few mins lol

 

[Shamal]

I did 6 pints yesterday and I got home in a bit of a state.  My wife saw what I was like and yelled at me, ”if you can’t do it in moderation you need to stop giving blood.

 

[Madhouse]

What are you if you drive a Subaru backwards?

U r a bus

Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Because Ken came in a different box.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Took me a few mins lol

'Uh huh!'  ?

A native American looks after my kitchen these days.

He's my Sioux Chef...

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

[SIZE=0.9375rem]A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...[/SIZE]
[SIZE=0.9375rem]"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says. The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."[/SIZE]



[SIZE=0.9375rem]"Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.[/SIZE]



[SIZE=0.9375rem]"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks. "Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."[/SIZE]



[SIZE=0.9375rem]"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" "Rustling," says the bartender.....

[/SIZE]

 







 

 

[Shamal]

I’m writing down a list of all the things I want to do, it’s my oughtobiography.  Which then got me thinking, do florists do the same and have a bouquet list?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

When parents say to kids "Go to your room & think about what you've done," it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I went out with a girl who had one leg called Wendy.

No idea what she called the other one.

 

[Shamal]

I went out with a girl who had one leg called Wendy.

No idea what she called the other one.

?

 

[Shamal]

Creating a password... ? ? ?️ ?

cabbage

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

1 boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

50fuckingboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.

50FUCKINGboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively.

50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

NowlAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArselfYou DontGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, that password is already in use

 

[Shamal]

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My friends are organising a joint Chinese New Year and Burns night.  It's going to be called Chinese Burns Night...

I don't want to go but they're twisting my arm.........

 

[DrAlexanderTobacco]

I've been looking around for a specific torrent of an old film for years, all I could really find were shitty webrips at 720p. A friend let me know he found the file on a private tracker, but he can't upload it. He shipped it to me via cargo ship and it's taking FUCKING AGES to arrive, over 3 months now. I really don't like pier to pier file sharing.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What do you call an Elephant that's unimportant?

An Irrelephant.

 

[Shamal]

I won 2nd prize in a competition, they gave me a map of the night sky.
It was a constellation prize

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'Get your coat on, I'm going to the pub,' said Uncle Bob.

'Are you treating me?' replied Aunt Sheila.

'No,' said Bob, 'I'm turning the heating off.'

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My German sister in law asked me for a gin and tonic.  

'Dry?' I asked her.

'No,' she said, 'I only want one.'

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. 

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. 

 

[Skullchewer]

Is that why you're up at this time, ya dirty stopout?