Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

Midwife for sale....

Can deliver.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Midwife for sale....

Can deliver.

I like midwives.

They help people out. 

 

[Shamal]

I like midwives.

They help people out. 

Nice....

 

[Shamal]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

As I get older I remember all of the people that I've lost.

Maybe I should never have become a tour guide...

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Why does the Avon lady walk funny?

Her lipstick.  

 

[Shamal]

You know it’s so lazy when people write “Congrats” just because they can’t spell
Congrajlashins!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just got the sack as a gravedigger.  They said they can never find where I've been working.

I think they've lost the plot tbh. 

 

[Cannonfodder]

Was in bed with the mrs and she seductively said you can put it wherever you want.

Apparently in her sister wasn't an option

 

[Shamal]

Well sometimes, if I'm feeling like a challenge, I'll whisper to the wife"this is how your sister likes it best"

Then I see how long I can stay in for!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes a whole medical team to remove it.  

 

[Shamal]

I melted an ice cube just by staring at it this morning.

Took a bit longer than I thought it would

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Bought some Oxo cubes -£9.70!!!

Stock market has gone mad

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Money won't buy you happiness, but you do get more pleasant misery.   

 

[Shamal]

I went for a job interview yesterday and the Job interviewer apparently asked me where do you see yourself in 5 years?  To which I responded, I would say my biggest weakness is listening

 

[Adolf Hamster]

Money won't buy you happiness, but you do get more pleasant misery.   

It is true, money can't buy you happyness, but it can buy you bacon and that's pretty damn close.....

 

[Cannonfodder]

It is true, money can't buy you happyness, but it can buy you bacon and that's pretty damn close.....

Tryptophan is an amnio acid used by the body to make serotonin and pork is high in tryptophan. Therefore bacon really is the key to happiness 

 

[Adolf Hamster]

Tryptophan is an amnio acid used by the body to make serotonin and pork is high in tryptophan. Therefore bacon really is the key to happiness 

This, right here, is why the internet is awesome

 

[Shamal]

. I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

 

[Cannonfodder]

I used to have a serious hokey jokey addiction but luckily I managed to turn myself around