Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do..."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?"(with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do.."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --silence--

HUSBAND: "Shit.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

As a child I had to walk the plank. 

We couldn't afford a dog.  

 

[Cannonfodder]

A man was admitted to hospital last night with 25 plastic toy horses in his bum. Doctors described his condition as stable 

 

[Shamal]

A few short days ago I received a friend request on FB from a young attractive lass about 29 years old... I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my fb friend. So I accepted it. Then she started sending me private messages. She was very kind. She called me handsome. She asked my age. I'm not a liar so I told her and reminded her I'm quite a bit her senior. And I let her talk a bit cause (truth be told) flattery ain't all that bad. We keep talking for a while and within a short time, she asked if we could talk about 'adult things'. I said ok. Then she replied with a face like ?. She said 'thank you babe, you start." So I did! I told her adult things like my knees and hips were hurting. My back acts up when it is cold outside. I explained that I have crazy insomnia, I toss and turn the entire night and that I often have leg cramps, especially when I try to sleep. I mentioned the scars from multiple surgeries and the limp I have from an old injury. And of course I had to throw in the need for daily fiber supplements to prevent passing gas. Can't forget that one! I was waiting for her to answer me...She blocked me. She wanted to talk about adult things and then couldn't take the heat! I think I'm just a bit too much man for her to handle! ?

 

[Tackle]

A few short days ago I received a friend request on FB from a young attractive lass about 29 years old... I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my fb friend. So I accepted it. Then she started sending me private messages. She was very kind. She called me handsome. She asked my age. I'm not a liar so I told her and reminded her I'm quite a bit her senior. And I let her talk a bit cause (truth be told) flattery ain't all that bad. We keep talking for a while and within a short time, she asked if we could talk about 'adult things'. I said ok. Then she replied with a face like ?. She said 'thank you babe, you start." So I did! I told her adult things like my knees and hips were hurting. My back acts up when it is cold outside. I explained that I have crazy insomnia, I toss and turn the entire night and that I often have leg cramps, especially when I try to sleep. I mentioned the scars from multiple surgeries and the limp I have from an old injury. And of course I had to throw in the need for daily fiber supplements to prevent passing gas. Can't forget that one! I was waiting for her to answer me...She blocked me. She wanted to talk about adult things and then couldn't take the heat! I think I'm just a bit too much man for her to handle! ?

This wasn't a gag was it, every word was the truth lol?

 

[Shamal]

This wasn't a gag was it, every word was the truth lol?

Sadly yes ?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Me. "I want to divorce my wife." 

Lawyer. "On what grounds?"

Me. "She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar."

Lawyer. "Is she an alcoholic or do you think she might be cheating?"

Me. "No, she's looking for me."

 

[Shamal]

I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night.
Anonymous, yeh right!
I knew everyone there!

 

[Shamal]

What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A Labracadabrador

 

[Shamal]

Went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole.

He said they all look like that and I should have left him in my garden

 

[Cannonfodder]

A man finishes work on Friday then goes to the pub with his mates and doesn't come home till Sunday evening. Naturally his wife isn't happy and asks how he would like it if he didn't see her for 3 days.

"Fine by me" he replies

Monday he didn't see her, Tuesday he didn't see her then Wednesday evening the swelling round his eyes went down

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Much as I love my wife, I never know where I am with her.

Lovely woman, terrible map reader.  

 

[Cannonfodder]

I'm currently in A&E.

I won't bore you with the details, but the "Dyson ball cleaner" is a dangerously misleading product name

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've just had a prostate examination. 

Got the thumbs up from the doctor.   

 

[Shamal]

I've just had a prostate examination. 

Got the thumbs up from the doctor.   

Haha. So did I recently. Just how anyone finds it pleasurable I do not feckin know! ?‍?

Had a job interview this morning and they asked me if can perform under pressure.
I said no, but i managed to pull off a cracking rendition of bohemian rhapsody though.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language.

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

 

[Shamal]

Well talking about French things....

I phoned the French Animal Rescue people for no particular reason...

I just wanted a chat

 

[Tackle]

I've just had a prostate examination. 

Got the thumbs up from the doctor.   

That's a sore subject....... Literally ?

 

[Shamal]

So last night the wife suddenly shouts out "and you never listen to me"

I thought,'that's a strange way to start a conversation' ?

 

[Shamal]

At the superhero gathering Superman is looking glum. His buddy, Batman asks him what’s up.

Superman: I really screwed up today, what a disaster! Batman: What happened?

Superman:well I was zooming in over Metropolis when my supervision spotted Wonderwoman, buck naked lying on her roof patio, legs splayed & arms up invitingly!

Batman; Holy Moley! lucky you

Superman;Well I shot down , decelerating to the required length at the last minute, if you know what I mean. Batman: WOW! She must have got a big surprise!

Superman; Not half as big a surprise as the bloody INVISIBLE MAN got!