Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the Hokey Cokey.

Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed.

 

[Shamal]

Talking of beds...

I got myself a microwave bed.now I can get eight hours sleep in 15mins.

?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Gave my wife a bucket on a rope for her birthday. 

It went down well.   

 

[Shamal]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?”

 

[Cannonfodder]

In bed with the mrs she told me if I turn the light off I can put it in her arse

Probably should've let the bulb cool down first

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Doctor 'You don't look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?'

Me: 'I drink it'.

 

[rj1986]

I had a really bad day, today.

I dropped my friend's baby in front of everyone.

in my defense, I did say i was too short to be a pallbearer.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've got a new job as a guillotine operator.

I'll beheading there shortly.

 

[Shamal]

I’ve learnt to play the piano by ear, but then I discovered that it’s so much easier using my hands.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was going to patent a method for reusing tea bags.

But... Tetley have taken out a restraining order against me.

 

[Shamal]

I was going to patent a method for reusing tea bags.

But... Tetley have taken out a restraining order against me.

Bitch! That was in my pile ?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Spinach and anal sex.

If you were forced to have it as a child,  you'll hate it as an adult...

 

[Cannonfodder]

Spinach and anal sex.

That's quite a specific kink and a perfect example of rule 34

 

[Shamal]

I just spent £20- on a belt that doesn't fit.

What a huge waist!

 

[Cannonfodder]

So I posted that I work with a bunch of massive cunts and Facebook got the wrong ideaView attachment 104717

 

[Shamal]

A man walks into a chemist and asks “Have you got something for severe laryngitis?” The chemist looks at him and says “Good morning sir. Can I help you?"

 

[Cannonfodder]

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the stormtroopers giggle

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've never taken an ugly woman to bed.  

I've woken up with a few mind....

 

[Shamal]

A bloke at work asked me if I knew anywhere he could get a second hand toupee
I said “Not off the top of my head"

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Police are on the hunt for a vandal spraying things purple.

They've warned the public not to approach, as he has violet tendencies.