Tell Us a Gag. Please!

I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids last week.

First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.

 
I'm wondering if acupuncture would be a cure for my pins and needles

 
 What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

"Dad are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes we arson"

 
Never buy flowers from a monk......

Only you can prevent florist friars

 
I've become a Jehovas Bystander.

It's like being a Jehovas Witness but for people who don't want to get involved. 

 
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.

 
I've been told to stop drinking milk.

I've tested various substitutes with tea, coffee,  custard,  muesli,  porridge, cereals and on their own.  Soya, almond, oat etc.

My favourite is the Bailey's. 

 
 Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

 
A prison guard went into work one day, and he was surprised to see one of his friends locked in a cell. He asked his friend what he was doing behind bars.

“Well, I was out doing my Christmas shopping one morning," his friend explained, "and then the police handcuffed me and brought me here because they said I was getting it done too early.”

“Well, that doesn't sound so bad," said the guard. "I get my Christmas shopping done by the middle of November. How early did you do yours?”

His friend replied, “About three hours before the store opened"!












 



 
























 





 













 
Right.Just so everyone is clear..... I'm gonna put my glasses on..?‍?

 
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I really don't understand this new fad of miking milk and coke

It's far harder to snort off a stripper's arse

 
A blonde was very upset and wanted to end it all.

She held a gun to her head and her boyfriend was laughing. She said to him, keep laughing you prick, you’re next.

 
I'm scared of being stuck in a lift with Father Christmas.

I think I have Claus-trophobia.

 
 I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts...

I won’t lie, it was a rocky road

 
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