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Tell Us a Gag. Please!

I've been asked to sing at Putin's birthday party. 

I've been practicing Crimea River for weeks.   

 
A group of eunuchs were serving as guards for an Ottoman palace, as was customary.

One day, a robber went up to the eunuch guards and drew his sword. The eunuchs all ran away in terror, and the robber broke into the palace and looted it.

The next day, another robber went up to the eunuchs unarmed and shouted at them. The eunuchs again ran away in terror and the robber looted the palace.

The next day, the sultan of the palace dismissed the eunuchs and hired soldiers to guard the palace instead.

The sultan's wife asked him, “Why did you get rid of the eunuchs?"

The sultan replied, "They didn't have the balls to stand up to the robbers

 
I see Prince William has been accused of not knowing when to stop playing knock down ginger....

Seriously, at his age.

 
This year I’m going to be a bit smarter about how I do things, instead of driving 2 minutes down the road to get petrol, I’m gonna walk.

 
The mother-in-law came round unexpectedly today.

Tomorrow I'm gonna have to find some more reliable chloroform.

 
The missus caught me sat on the sofa knocking one out and surprisingly wasn't angry. 

I just wish the staff in DFS were as open minded 

 
Unexpected explosion at a cheese factory in France. Da Brie all over the place.

 
Just found out that cock fighting is done by chickens, 

That's 6 months of practising wasted.

 
You all heard about the non binary gold prospector? Dug up a fortune in them their hills

 
In a freak accident yesterday at a local wedding, a photographer was injured when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

 
Got a Chinese take out last night and as I got in the car I heard the bag rustle, so looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out of the top of bag at me, then disappear back inside.

I was so scared I nearly said profanities!

I looked again, saw the eyes looking out at me then disappear again, so grabbed the bag and ran back into the shop. I asked the guy behind the counter “what the fuck was going on?!”

he said "you asked for the Peking duck…”

 
Tactical Pith Helmet said:
Germans prefer sauerkraut to Vladimir Putin. 

The sauerkraut actually gives them gas...
Click to expand...
A very sour kraut gave 6 million of them gas

Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France 7 times whilst on drugs. That's impressive, usually when I'm on drugs I can't even find my bike 

 
Well on a similar note.

I had my first gym session after the Christmas hols last night.
Instructor was shouting..." Push it, push it, come on one more big push".
Finally he came and opened the door for me.

 
I was doing some biological research on ants and discovered you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.

 
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