Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My friends into two distinct groups: cat people and dog people.

I should probably stop taking so much LSD.

 

[Shamal]

Talking about car doors.

My friend told me he has bought a car with no doors.

How the fuck is he going to get in I thought!?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Prince Charles gets a crown next year.

Shows how desperate dental care is when the next king has to wait that long.

 

[Shamal]

If you put a musician on a stage you will hear the sound echoing all around you.  However, put a pigeon on a stage and you will hear nothing.  The reason is a coo sticks!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

If you put a musician on a stage you will hear the sound echoing all around you.  However, put a pigeon on a stage and you will hear nothing.  The reason is a coo sticks!

Jesus fucking wept!  I can't believe I laughed at that.   ?

 

[Shamal]

View attachment 96427

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I sprayed my van with some rust remover last night.

I've now got a set of Ford Transit wheels for sale...

 

[Shamal]

My butcher’s so tall,  no one can reach the meat on his shelves. 

The steaks have never been higher.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I keep having the same recurring dream.  I keep dreaming that I'm a horse.

It's been six nights on the trot now.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

How do dragons blow out candles?

 

[Shamal]

I've decided to go on two diets.

Let's face it there just isn't enough food in one....

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm going to be a minimalist.

It's the least that I can do.

 

[Skullchewer]

The airline I went on holiday with misplaced my luggage, so I took them to court. Unfortunately I lost my case.

 

[Skullchewer]

I’ve come up with an idea for invisible aircraft, I approached the RAF with the idea but they said they couldn’t see it taking off

 

[Shamal]

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied,

"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Reports just in of a man attacking people with a chickpea and garlic dip.

Police are warning people that a houmousidal maniac is on the loose.  

 

[Shamal]

I was climbing in the Himalayas a while back and was accosted by a Yeti, it forced me to do a thousand sit ups and a thousand stomach crunches.
When I got back to base and told the Sherpa, he said “Ah yes, that’ll be the abdominal snowman

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My house is haunted by a chicken. 

Not sure if it's a poultryguist or some other fowl spirit, but I'm getting an eggsorcist in. 

 

[Shamal]

My house is haunted by a chicken. 

Not sure if it's a poultryguist or some other fowl spirit, but I'm getting an eggsorcist in. 

?

 

[Shamal]

The organs of the human body were debating as to who should be the boss.

The brain said that as he did all the thinking and controlled every part of the body, he should be the boss.

The heart said that as the body could not live without the blood circulation he provided, he should be the boss.

The stomach said that he digested all the food and gave the body energy, so he should be the boss.

All other organs made their cases similarly.

Then the asshole applied for the post.

The other organs laughed so loudly that the ass hole got angry and shut himself.

Within a couple of days the stomach got sick, the brain went fuzzy, the heart developed palpitations and every other organ began shutting down.

The organs learned their lesson. They all got together and elected the ass hole as boss.

Moral of the story:

You don’t need to be the brain or the brawn to be the boss, you only need to be an ass hole.