Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'There's someone for everyone,' my mother always said patting my head.

'Yours is a psychiatrist.'

 

[Cannonfodder]

Just got back from the opticians and it turns out I'm colour blind.

That news came right out of the purple

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship, but I bottled it.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One of them Is an Australian mammal. The other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I got a massive erection today during a routine prostate examination. I tried to hide it but it was pretty obvious, so I tried to laugh it of instead.


Anyway, long story short, I'm no longer working as a GP.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

It’s a 4 minute walk from my house to the bar.

It’s a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house. The difference is staggering!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My dentist has been struck off the medical register for dealing in drugs!

Fuck me, I've been using him for the last sixteen years and never knew he was a dentist!

 

[Cannonfodder]

Say what you like about getting old, but it does make multitasking easier


I can sneeze, piss and shit myself all at the same time

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Say what you like about getting old, but it does make multitasking easier


I can sneeze, piss and shit myself all at the same time

Click to shrink...

If you learn to dribble at the same time you've reached master level!

Me: "Can I borrow the new book about Cockney swear words?"

Librarian: "You can't".

Me: "Yes, that's the one"...

 

[Cannonfodder]

Why are all working tickle me Elmo dolls male?

Before leaving the factory they get test tickles

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Why are all working tickle me Elmo dolls male?

Before leaving the factory they get test tickles

Click to shrink...

Jesus wept!!!

Uncle Bob went on a roller coaster, and the woman next to him wouldn't stop screaming.

Seriously, it was like she'd never seen a penis before...

 

[Cannonfodder]

I pulled last night and afterwards she cuddled up to me and said you're the biggest I've ever had

Apparently ditto was the wrong answer

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Pretty pleased with myself.

I just passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas...

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I used to be a DJ at Stonehenge and Avebury but...

I no longer mix in those circles.