Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

To all those people who said I'd never accomplish anything because I procrastinate too much...

...just you wait and see.

 

[Shamal]

I came so close to winning the lottery jackpot on Saturday.
My next door neighbour won it.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife asked me to rock our baby to sleep.

All I've managed to determine so far is that he's not a big Motorhead fan.

 

[Shamal]

I saw there was a large front page article on Dracula in the Daily Express today, but he did not appear in the Mirror or the Sun.

 

[DaktariT]

How do non binary people kill someone?

They/Them

 

[Shamal]

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

“I feel horrible;

I look old, fat, and ugly…

I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replies,

“Your eyesight’s damn near perfect

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I just trade marked a padded bra that never loses its shape.

I call it Mammary Foam®

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife recently told me that as I'm a parent I need to make sacrifices.

But then she hit the roof when she came home and saw the giant pentagram on the kitchen table and what I had done to the cat.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Nearly managed to marry my ex-wife, but she figured out that I was only after my money.  

 

[Shamal]

A guy walked into his friend’s office

He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what’s up with you?," he asked.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She’s hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither. He’s bald.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was in the shower at the gym and when I came out, some idiot had stolen my trainers and hi-vis jacket!

I have one thing to say to that lowlife…… you can run, but you can’t hide!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

We've been trying for children for the past ten years without success. Finally, out of pure frustration, my wife suggested that we might try IVF.

How joining the Israeli army is going to help I don't know.

 

[Shamal]

My neighbour just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Who guessed that the hill the Tories would choose to die on would be William Hill? 

 

[Shamal]

I'm fed up with next doors dog barking all fuckin' night in their garden.

Tonight I'm gonna jump over the fence,snatch the bloody dog and put it I'm my garden. Let's see how they like it for a change!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

England's footballers won't be voting in the general election.

They can't find the box, never mind put a cross into it.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I bought 2 pints of milk in Lidl today...

It was an impulse buy, I only went in for an angle grinder, a wet suit and an 18ft ladder!

 

[Shamal]

Funny that.

I went to Lidl yesterday to get a bag of sparks for my grinder and a bucket of steam for the kettle but there was neither. I guess they had a run on them.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I asked the Geordie barber for a perm.

He said "I wandered lernly as a clood....."

 

[Shamal]

How do you know when it's time to replace your ripped and shredded fashion jeans?