Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I used to be addicted to swimming.

I'm happy to say that I've been dry now for six months...

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just started an engraving course.

First lesson, we barely scratched the surface...

 

[Shamal]

I had a Continental breakfast this morning.

Those tyres taste disgusting.

 

[Shamal]

I’ve come to the conclusion that Baby Changing Stations are the biggest con.

I’ve seen parents use them and they always come out with the same kid.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I’ve come to the conclusion that Baby Changing Stations are the biggest con.

I’ve seen parents use them and they always come out with the same kid.

Click to shrink...

I'd prefer changing a baby for a dog myself...

Being embarrassed about her anal bleaching session, my sister told everyone that she was just changing her ring tone.  

 

[Shamal]

Please note April is officially Procrastination Awareness month!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've just made a car entirely out of magic mushrooms.

Might go out for a trip in it later.

 

[Shamal]

This works best when told to someone. Young children are best if they don't know what repeat means.?

Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left.

Pete and Repeat were in a boat.

Pete fell out. Who was left.

Pete and Repeat were in a boat..............

I'll get me coat....

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just saw the neighbourhood burglar kicking his own front door in.

He must be working from home again.

 

[Shamal]

I've always preferred wet shaving to using an electric shaver.  
I guess that's just the way I was razed.

 

[DaktariT]

My girlfriend just came downstairs from her beauty sleep. I sent her back to bed.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was looking at a shirt in a shop today and the sales woman asked me if I wanted to try it on. So I told her she had nice tits and asked if she fancied a drink after work.

 

[Shamal]

I got Swine Flu last week, so I rubbed myself all over with salt, and now I'm cured.

 

[DaktariT]

My Ex-girlfriend was hit by a bus near my house. And I said to myself “That could've been me!!”

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus.

 

[DanBow]

My Ex-girlfriend was hit by a bus near my house. And I said to myself “That could've been me!!”

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus.

Click to shrink...

Isn't it funny how the meaning of "I'd hit that" changes after a break up!

 

[Cannonfodder]

Millie Cyrus licked a hammer and danced around in her underwear and was praised for it.

So why is it when I do it I get banned from B&Q?

 

[Shamal]

I staggered into the doctor's yesterday.

Doc said ' Oh dear,drunk again Mr Shamal'

I said ' ok doc I'll come back when you're  sober'

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've just watched a film called "Star Wars XXX".

Well, what can I say..?  It's definitely a departure from the first twenty-nine films.

 

[Cannonfodder]

I was watching Masterchef Australia last night. Someone made a meringue and everybody cheered.

That's strange I thought, in Australia they usually boo meringue 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'You're home early Dear.'

'Boss told me to 'go to hell' so here I am.'