Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

There are two types of people in the world, the bad and the good.

The good sleep better, but the bad enjoy being awake more...

 

[Shamal]

I wouldn’t recommend that new steak house in town, the beef was so undercooked, it started eating the salad.

 

[gavinkempsell]

I wouldn’t recommend that new steak house in town, the beef was so undercooked, it started eating the salad.

Awe, MANN!

let it go

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A 50 year old man found dead in a local park has been named by police.

Bloody shame it took 50 years for someone to name him!

 

[Cannonfodder]

A 50 year old man found dead in a local park has been named by police.

Bloody shame it took 50 years for someone to name him!

By police is a very strange name

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

When my 96 year old granddad was put into a home, it was good to see he still had his flirting game on at least.

He approached this old lady and said, 'I'd love to get into your pants.'

'Really?' she beamed back at him.

'Yes,' he said, 'because I just shat in mine.'

 

[Cannonfodder]

How do welshmen find sheep in long grass?

Irresistible 

 

[Shamal]

. A man goes to his doctor complaining of constipation. The doctor says ” take this suppositorie and call me tomorrow. “ The man calls the doctor the next day, complaining that it didn't help. The man says “ I took it with a glass of water, and nothing happened.” The doctor says “ That's not how you were supposed to take it.” Obviously upset, the man says “ What did you expect me to do? Shove it up my ass!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'Hell is other pirates.'

Long Jean Sartre

 

[Shamal]

'Hell is other pirates.'

Long Jean Satre

Very highbrow.lol but it's Sartre ?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Very highbrow.lol but it's Sartre ?

Thanks!  Typo edited.  Temptation to go on about great The Roads to Freedom trilogy is resisted.  

 

[Shamal]

4 engineers get into a car . The car wont start.

mechanical engineer says :

its a broken starter

Electrical engineer says :

dead battery

chemical engineer says :

impurities in the gasoline

IT engineer says :

hey guys i have an idea, how about we all get out of the car, and then get in again.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

“Schools serve the same social functions as prisons and mental institutions- to define, classify, control, and regulate people.”

Michel Foucault

"I don't care, you're going anyway."

Foucault's Mum

 

[Shamal]

God saw that Adam was lonely and He said to him, “Do not be downcast. My work is not yet finished. I shall make for you a companion, and she shall have the gentle voice of an angel, the beauty of a summer sunrise, a kind heart that is sensitive to your every need before you even know you have it, and a glorious body that will be a delight to hold; and I shall call this Woman.”

“That sounds wonderful!” breathes Adam.

“Yes,” says God, “but it’s going to cost you an arm, a leg, an eye, an ear, and your right testicle.”

Adam digests this in silence and says, “Hypothetically, Lord… what could I get for just a rib?”

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I struggled with the laundry basket until I finally dropped it.  Newly laundered clothes went everywhere. My wife did nothing to help. 

She just watched it all unfold.   

 

[Shamal]

My mate fell off a walkway at the factory he works at, into a vat of strawberries, sugar and pectin. Amazingly he was unhurt. He is so jammy!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I thought I'd hate this program about serious D.I.Y. blunders, but I'm literally glued to the TV...

 

[Shamal]

Devon and Cornwall have cancelled their planned joint '60s & '70s retro music festival after a row over whether to put The Jam or Cream on first...

 

[Shamal]

Update...

It's just been announced that the doors will open this event....

 

[Shamal]

I signed up to an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothes.

If I had any loose fitting clothes I wouldn't have signed up for an exercise class.