Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Can anyone remember that joke that I told you about the chiropractor?

I told it about a weak back...

 

[Shamal]

Talking about alternative medicine.Im wondering if accupuncture is any good for pins and needles.?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A lorry load of Vics has crashed on the  M25.

Luckily it's not caused any congestion 

 

[Shamal]

 




There was a fierce battle between the Cowboys and Indians. The Indians captured one of the Cowboys and took him to their village. The Indian Chief greeted the Cowboy and told him, “You must die in three days, but you get one wish per day. What is your first wish?” The Cowboy said, “Can you bring my horse?” The Indians brought the Cowboy’s horse, and the Cowboy whispered into the horse’s ear. The horse ran off to town and came back with a beautiful blonde. The Cowboy took the blonde in a teepee and made love to her.

On the second day, the Chief told the Cowboy he must die in two days and asked what his second wish was. The Cowboy asked if they could bring his horse again. The Cowboy whispered in the horse’s ear again; the horse ran off to town and returned with a voluptuous redhead. The Cowboy took the redhead in a teepee and made love to her.

On the third day, the Chief told the Cowboy you must die today and asked him what his third wish was. The Cowboy requested his horse again. The Chief whispered under his breath, “Crazy White Man.” The Cowboy grabbed the horse by his ears, looked straight into the horse’s eyes, and said, “Read my fucking lips; I said bring Posse!”

 

[DanBow]

What do you do when a snake bites you?

Take anti-hissss-tamines.

 

[Cannonfodder]

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. 
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. 
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' 
The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. 
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What do you do when a snake bites you?

Take anti-hissss-tamines.

Jesus wept Dan.  ???

 

[Shamal]

 




The scene is a funeral wake. Several people have given moving tributes to the deceased, and now the grieving widow asks if anybody else would like to add anything. A man stands up.

‘May I say a word?’ he asks.

‘Of course,’ says the widow.

‘Plethora,’ says the man.

‘Thank You: that means a lot,’ replies the widow.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just tried to change my password to beef stew.  My PC said it wasn't stroganoff

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'My local football team are off the the south of France this weekend. '

'Toulouse?'

'Probably, they're bloody rubbish..'

 

[The_Roach]

It's the story of a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac.

He's lying awake in his bed.

Wondering if there is a Dog.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just visited Argentina.  No where as hot as I'd expected.

Close to Chile to be honest.   

 

[Shamal]

I was very disappointed when the limousine I ordered, didn’t come with a driver.

I spent £400 and had nothing to chauffeur it

 

[Tackle]

View attachment 115985

 

[Shamal]

THE HELPFUL BIRD

A man was hiking through a large forest when he suddenly found himself surrounded be a huge pack of snarling wolves! Shaking uncontrollably with fear, the man said in a trembling voice,

"I'm in big trouble!!!"

But just then a little bird landed on his shoulder and said in a soft pleasant soothing voice,

"No, you are NOT in big trouble. Here's what you can do. See that large male wolf with the brown birth mark on his head? That's the leader wolf ?, the head of the pack. Take that branch lying on the ground beside you and stab that leader wolf with the sharp end of the branch right on that birth mark as hard as you can."

"Thank you kind bird",said the man, as he bent down, picked up the stick, walked over to the leader wolf and stabbed the sharp end of the stick with all his might right on the wolf's birthmark.

The bird then said,

"NOW you're in big trouble!"

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I had a great joke about inflation last year.

But it’s hardly worth it now.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I hear that Manchester is being demolished and rebuilt seventy miles south. 

It's cheaper than finishing HS2...

 

[Shamal]

I told my wife that she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I told my wife that she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

 

[Shamal]

Nice ?